The Day After Tomorrow
by Broedy
Summary: Matt Dowd's life takes a very different turn after the birth of his ex-girlfriend Jessica's baby. Matt/Taylor; Eli/Maggie
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: This story refers to events from episode 1.05 (Matt's ex-girlfriend's custody case) and draws on some events in my previous story, Waiting for that Day (in the Eli/Maggie department). _

**Chapter 1**

"Cigar?"

The legal secretary took it with a puzzled frown.

"Cigar?"

The next recipient, one of the male associates, was much more appreciative of the offering.

"Cigar?"

Taylor stood before him, her arms crossed over her chest. Her eyes narrowed but she tried to hide her smile.

"I take it things went well at the hospital," she said.

Matt grinned. "Eight pounds two ounces. Liam Matthew Benson, born yesterday at 3:20PM."

"Matthew?"

"Of course. Named for his godfather. Cigar?"

Taylor took it from him. "Are we going to have to suffer through Brando impersonations from you as well?"

Matt handed out the rest of the cigars as they walked to his office. He puffed out his cheeks and began scratching his chin, but she didn't give him a chance to finish his Godfather impression.

"How's Jessica?" Taylor asked.

"Over the moon," he replied as he walked around behind his desk. He smiled with the memory. "I've never seen someone light up the way she did when she held him for the first time."

"You were there?"

"Yeah. Jess asked me to be there just in case there were any… complications."

"How was Donna?"

Matt started checking through the messages his assistant had left him. "Okay, I guess. She didn't want to even see him after he was born. Jess tried to talk to her but her parents were there and they kept her out."

"What about the birth certificate?" Taylor asked, always in lawyer mode. Despite the judge ruling in Jessica's favor to allow her to co-parent their son, Taylor knew how important it was that their client's name was included on the birth certificate.

"The pre-birth order was in place and Donna didn't try and contest it. Only Jessica's name was listed."

"Really? I guess Donna's going through with it, huh?"

"Yep. She goes back to Ohio in a couple of days."

"I suppose Jessica got everything she wanted then," said Taylor.

Matt looked up. "Not quite. She's still pretty upset about Donna leaving. Even after everything's that happened I think Jess was still hoping that she'd change her mind after he was born. That she'd still want to be with her."

"At least she got the baby."

"Yeah."

"Even if she has bad taste in godparents."

Matt's face showed mock hurt. "Hey, that kid is lucky. He doesn't have a father to teach him all the important things in life – this is a big responsibility. There's teaching him how to ride a bike, how to shave, how to act with the ladies…"

"All of which his mother is quite capable of showing him, I'm sure."

"Yeah, you're probably right. But the least I can do is take him to his first strip club when he turns 21."

"Pig." Taylor walked towards the door.

"Enjoy the cigar," he called out after her.

"Oh, I will."

He didn't miss the glimmer in her eye when she threw him a swift glance. His good mood grew even better.

"You busy later?" he asked.

"I'm in court this afternoon."

"I mean _later_."

Taylor hesitated at the door for a moment.

"I've got a bottle of scotch at my place that will go perfectly with these," said Matt. He held up the cigar Groucho Marx-style and grinned at her.

"Stick to Brando." Taylor pushed open the glass door and disappeared. Matt was still smiling to himself when she reemerged a few seconds later.

"What kind of scotch?" she asked.

0 0 0 0

That was how it was with them from then on. But Matt didn't care if things were undefined with Taylor. He'd given up seeking any sort of approval from Jordan when it became apparent that he didn't need it to keep seeing her. It had been that way for months – random hookups that they didn't bother discussing. After Eli's operation she'd kept her distance for a while. But then, just when Matt thought she was going to try and reconcile with her ex-fiancé, Taylor had slept with him again. After losing a case that she had brought him in on, they'd gone to a bar and ended up back at his place, just as they had the first time.

After that he decided she only wanted him when she needed cheering up. Not exactly the healthiest of responses, though Matt wasn't one to complain. But the next time they slept together was after a case where he won and won big – big enough that both Jordan and Martin Posner went out of their way to congratulate him. It was the kind of win that got you back on the junior partner path. Matt was looking to celebrate that night but the other senior associates all declined. He knew it was mostly out of jealousy – if the situation were reversed he'd make up an excuse too. Only Taylor offered to take him out to dinner. Once they were in the cab she suggested they go back to his apartment instead. Matt didn't protest.

The time after that he surprised her by asking to come to her place. They were working on another case together and were going to have to pull an all nighter. She had deflected the request at first, saying his apartment was closer, but in truth she was uncertain about having Matt Dowd in her home. Somehow that was more intimate than the few nights they'd spent together. In the end they had worked at her place, and woke up in bed together after an exhausting night of poring over depositions. It was the first time they had early morning sex that had them both smiling for the rest of the day.

Beyond that, there was no description for their relationship. Neither of them even thought about it as a relationship, a fact which Jessica repeatedly needled him about.

"You like her," she said as she fed four-month-old Liam his bottle.

"Yes," Matt confirmed, finishing off the last egg roll from their evening meal.

"You have sex with her."

"Occasionally."

"You don't have sex with anyone else."

"Not at the moment."

"And you think you're not having a relationship?"

"No. We're not like that. She doesn't want to date me – I'm not exactly her idea of a boyfriend. Besides, I have a sneaking suspicion she's still hung up on her ex."

"How do you know?"

"Male intuition?" he offered hopefully.

"There's no such thing."

"Perhaps it's the way she avoids any conversation vaguely related to what's going on between us. If she wants to keep it casual I'm down with that," he said.

"How can you be okay with that?"

"Let's see, sex with an incredibly hot woman without any strings attached? I'm just a selfless human being, I guess."

Jessica shook her head. "Matt, you should be out enjoying yourself. It's Friday night and once again you're sitting on my living room floor eating cold take out."

"So?"

"So you're never going to meet anyone if your social life is limited to Liam and me."

He shrugged. "A social life is overrated. Unless… if this is your way to get me to stop coming over…"

She laughed at him. "Stop it. You know I love having you here. But I don't want you to miss out on anything just because you don't want me to be stuck home alone with a baby. It's sweet but unnecessary, okay?"

Jessica shifted Liam onto her shoulder and rubbed his back.

"I like hanging out with the two of you."

"Yeah, this is much more exciting than going out and meeting gorgeous women."

He smiled at her. "You could be doing that too, you know. I've offered to babysit."

"No thanks. I've got my hands full."

"You sure you're not just hiding yourself away to avoid being hurt?"

Jessica frowned at him, then concentrated on Liam who was falling asleep. She nestled him closer to her.

"It's been six months since you and Donna broke up," Matt reminded her gently. "She's not coming back."

"I know that."

"So, isn't it about time you allowed yourself to meet someone else?"

"I thought we were talking about your pathetic love life, not mine," Jessica said dryly.

"We're both pathetic," he replied to make her feel a little better.

"Maybe. But I don't need anyone else in my life right now. I have Liam. And a wonderful best friend."

"Likewise," he said. "Although, the offer is still there if you're thinking Liam could do with a little brother or sister. Being an only child isn't much fun – you know that."

"I thank you and your boys for the offer. Right now one baby is plenty," she said, gazing lovingly at her son. Liam was asleep but she didn't put him in his cot, contented to hold him for while longer. She glanced over at Matt. "Are you busy tomorrow?"

"Changed your mind so quickly?" He grinned like the Cheshire Cat.

"Ha ha. No, I have a doctor's appointment in the morning and I was going to take Liam with me, but if you wouldn't mind watching him…"

"Of course I can. I think I've mastered the bottle and diaper scenarios. There's nothing else to it, right?"

"Right," she replied sarcastically. "I should only be gone an hour."

"Everything alright?"

"Just a rash that hasn't cleared up in a few weeks. I probably just need a cream."

Matt made a face. "Okay, if you're going to get graphic I may have to leave while my male naïveté about such things is still intact."

"Funny man. Not there, creep. It's on my boob, if you must know."

"Now boobs I don't mind hearing about."

Jessica rolled her eyes at him. "Actually I think it might be mastitis, which is kind of ironic seeing as how I missed out on the breastfeeding side of motherhood. Seems kind of unfair to get the shitty side of breastfeeding without getting to do the rewarding part."

"Yeah, you're heading into girly parts talk again, so I'm gonna call it a night." He got up and bent down to kiss her cheek. "Much as I'd love to sit here and listen to you talk about your breasts, they hold no allure for me anymore, remember?"

She laughed soundlessly when he tried to peek down her shirt anyway, and slapped him away.

"I'll see you tomorrow," he said as he made for the door.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

As much as Matt liked the baby and was happy to look after him, he was still relieved when Liam slept through Jessica's doctor appointment. It gave him an opportunity to catch up on some work that he'd brought with him. When Jessica returned with a prescription for antibiotics and pastries from their favorite bakery he was ready to take a break from his godfatherly duties.

Though the offer was always there she rarely asked him to babysit. Jessica hardly went anywhere without Liam. Instead Matt would tag along with them when they went to the park, or wandered the weekend markets in search of baby clothes. It was as close as he ever got to domesticity, and he had to admit he didn't mind it. There was the complication of Jessica being gay and Liam not being his of course, but sometimes he caught sight of the three of them in a shop window or received smiles from people they passed in the street. During those moments it was like they were a real family, and Matt found himself playing along.

When Jessica asked him to help install some new bookshelves in her new apartment he even got to go shopping for supplies with all the other husbands and boyfriends who crowded into the local hardware store first thing on a Saturday morning.

"Why do you get to use the power tools?" Matt complained when he arrived at her place and was given the task of reading the assembly instructions.

"Because you're a disaster when it comes to anything requiring manual labor and you know it," said Jessica as she tested the drill with well-practiced ease.

"Scurrilous lies," he grumbled.

"Then how about it's because I'd like to get this finished before Liam wakes up. So stop whining and hand me those brackets, okay?"

"Fine." Matt did as he was asked and dutifully held the frame, but his puppy dog eyes were used to full effect.

0 0 0 0

"I'm sorry, okay? I thought you had it," Matt said as they sat waiting in the emergency room an hour later.

Jessica threw him a withering glance as she held the icepack to her hand.

"I'm sure it's not broken. You probably won't even need stitches on the cut."

"Matt?"

"Yeah?"

"Stop talking."

Matt smothered a smile as he adjusted Liam in his arms and offered him a soft toy to play with. "Mommy's cranky at Uncle Matt."

Jessica sighed with relief when her name was called but it was just to be given paperwork to fill in. Matt offered to write for her as it was her right hand that had been hurt, and they made quick work of the form.

"Okay, are you on any medication?" he asked, bouncing Liam in one arm.

"No. Although I just finished a course of Keflex, better put it down."

"That's an antibiotic, right?"

"Yes, doctor. For the mastitis."

"Still? That was a month ago."

"The first type he put me on didn't work, so we switched, nosy."

"Mommy is _really_ cranky at Uncle Matt," he told Liam who looked at him and smiled. Matt grinned in response. "See, he knows."

Jessica smiled too in spite of her annoyance. She had always found it hard to stay mad at him.

It was another hour before she was seen by the doctor, during which Matt roamed the hospital corridors with Liam in his arms. There was no denying the appeal the baby had, as he received appreciative glances and smiles from a number of women he passed. He even struck up a conversation with one of the nurses who thought Liam was adorable. Matt had her phone number in his pocket by the time Jessica reappeared in the waiting room.

"What was the verdict?" he asked, feeling very pleased with himself but trying to sound sympathetic given he was the cause of her injury.

Jessica looked down at her bandaged hand, then stared mutely at him. Matt adjusted Liam in his arms, frowning.

"Jess? Are you alright?"

"They want me to stay and have an ultrasound," she said, her voice weak.

"What? Is it that serious?" Matt gulped guiltily.

"Not my hand. He asked why I'd been taking Keflex and when I told him about the mastitis he wanted to examine me."

"Why?"

"He said it's probably just an infection but seeing as how it hasn't cleared up he just wants to make sure it's nothing else."

Liam started fussing but Matt ignored him, still looking at Jessica. "Like what?"

"I'm sure it's fine," she said as she took the baby from him, careful to avoid jarring her bound wrist. She kissed Liam and hugged him close for a few moments. "I might be a while, could you take him home?"

"It's fine, we'll stay," said Matt.

"I don't know how long I'll be," she replied but she was looking at Liam.

"We'll stay," he repeated.

Jessica finally met his eyes and smiled but he could see she was worried.

0 0 0 0

It was more than four hours later when Jessica was able to go home. Liam had been fed and changed and was sleeping again in his stroller, but Matt was anything but restful when he saw her emerge from the elevator. She wanted to go straight home, and he had to wait until they were back at her apartment before she explained what tests she'd had.

Jessica sat beside him at her kitchen table, pale and quiet, as she spoke. She had been concerned when they had wanted to perform an ultrasound on her breast, but gotten scared when they'd sent her for a mammogram after that. Finally a biopsy had been taken and a follow up appointment made for Monday.

"They're trying to rule out cancer, Matt," she said, clearly shaken. "But I never felt a lump. I just thought I had an infection."

He shook his head. "No, it won't be that. You'll be fine. I'm sure they were just being cautious."

"I have been feeling run down," she admitted as if it were something to be ashamed of.

"You don't think taking care of a baby on your own is the likely cause of that?" he asked lightly.

She smiled sadly but was not comforted. "I can't believe I have to wait for Monday. I'm going to go out of my mind before then."

"Then let's get out of here." He squeezed her hand, making it all up on the spot. "We could drive to Napa. Maybe even stay at that little B&B that we found that time, remember? We were supposed to come visit your Mom and instead we ended up hiding out in that place overlooking the vineyard."

"I remember," she said. "We barely had enough money for gas to get back to college."

"Sadly I don't have my old Corolla anymore. This time we get to go in style."

"My car isn't exactly what I'd call stylish. And your Porsche doesn't have a back seat. Where do you propose to put a baby seat?"

"I'll hire a car. Safety first, I promise." He looked at her expectantly, waiting for her to acquiesce. After a faint nod from her he grinned. "Pack a bag for you and Liam. I'll be back as soon as I can."

Jessica didn't get up as Matt found his keys. She was staring off into space, the sight of which caused his stomach to knot.

"Hey, Jess, listen to me. It'll be okay, you'll see," said Matt assuredly.

He moved quickly as he ran down the steps of her apartment to retrieve his car. He was trying to remember the name of the B&B so he could call ahead to make a reservation, and working out the closest car rental place to his apartment. He concentrated on these thoughts rather than the one he refused to acknowledge.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

The Monday morning briefing was already well underway when Matt arrived and tried to slip unnoticed into his seat at the WPK conference table.

"Thank you for joining us, Mr. Dowd," Martin Posner said from the head of the table. "Perhaps you'd be kind enough to update us on Hutchins v. Calectric?"

"Ah, yes… Um..." Matt proceeded to summarize one his current cases that was drawing to a close. Some of the details escaped him and he made up one of the plaintiff's names but he hoped Posner didn't notice. Taylor frowned at him from across the table as she obviously did, but at least her father was out of town so he wasn't making a fool of himself in front of Jordan too.

When Posner grew tired of Matt's rambling he interrupted to ask Eli about his caseload. Matt was relieved and busied himself writing fake notes on his pad so he wasn't called on again.

"Big weekend?" Taylor asked snidely as they exited the conference room. When Matt turned his tired eyes on her she shrank back in an exaggerated fashion. "I guess so."

Matt started to retort, then decided it wasn't worth it. He said good morning to her instead and sought sanctuary in his office. He asked his assistant, Lauren, to move a few appointments so he had the least amount of human interaction possible that day. He was too distracted to make much sense of his work and had been staring at his computer screen for several hours without much headway when Taylor poked her head into his office.

"Still recovering from your hangover or is it safe to come in?"

He looked up in annoyance at the interruption rather than her sarcastic words.

"You really did wake up on the wrong side of the bed, didn't you?" she said, entering anyway. "Do you even know whose bed it was?"

"I have a vague recollection," he replied without any humor.

"Let me guess, you struck out and that's the cause of your bad mood."

Matt looked away from his screen and looked at her impatiently. "Do you want something?"

She frowned. "It's lunchtime. I was going to see if you wanted to get something to eat, but if you're too busy to be civil…"

"I'm going out. I have to do something."

"Something or someone?" she asked somewhat petulantly.

Matt didn't play along. He finished typing a few lines in his case file and then locked his screen.

Taylor wasn't used to an uncommunicative Matt. Usually she was the one trying to get him out of her office, but now it was Matt who was staring at her, silently waiting for her to go.

"Don't let me hold you up, then," she said.

He didn't bother responding.

0 0 0 0

He had meant to leave work early that night to go over to Jessica's but as six o'clock turned into seven he found himself delaying finishing up. Part of it was because he had a mountain of work to finish after an unproductive day, but mostly it was because he didn't know what else he could possibly say or do to make her situation any better. He barely knew how to react himself than comfort his best friend.

He had sat with her in the doctor's office after she'd asked him to go with her. He'd listened while her diagnosis was confirmed and more tests were ordered. Jessica had only nodded and asked an occasional question, the rest of the time she had sat mutely beside him, not even acknowledging he was there.

Matt had offered to stay with her for the other tests, or at least wait around until she was finished. But she'd told him to go back to work, apologizing for taking up so much of his time already. In truth he was relieved that she didn't want him there. Work was easy, he knew how to do that. Comforting his 31-year-old best friend who had been diagnosed with cancer was another story all together.

Taylor's office door was open as he passed by half an hour later, and when he saw she was still there he stopped, dropping his briefcase at his feet. She looked up from what she was doing and saw him at her door, then went back to reading her file without a word.

"Sulking?" he asked, feeling marginally better upon seeing her.

"I don't sulk," she replied sullenly, still not looking at him.

"Sorry about before… I was distracted." He bobbed his head and stared at his feet.

"I noticed." When she glanced up and saw his slumped shoulders, her face softened. Taylor could usually tell when he was being disingenuous, having gotten to know him better, but somehow she knew it wasn't an act this time. "Want to talk about it?"

"No," he replied automatically, then, with a sigh of relief, "yes."

She sat back in her chair and waited while he took a seat. He proceeded to explain what had happened with Jessica.

"Oh my God, she's so young," said Taylor, concerned etched in her voice. She only knew Jessica a little from her case against Donna, but she knew how much Matt cared for her.

"Breast cancer?"

"Inflammatory breast cancer," he replied. "The worst fucking kind, apparently. The sort that her regular doctor assumed she was too young to get and didn't diagnose when she became symptomatic."

"What's her prognosis?"

"They're doing more tests to work out how serious it is… if it's spread or not. But whatever stage it's at they want to attack it aggressively. She'll need to have chemo and radiation, and they also want to operate which means a mastectomy. She starts chemo on Wednesday."

"God…"

"Yeah."

"I'm so sorry, Matt. Everything she's been through with Donna and Liam… it doesn't seem fair."

"It's not," he said, frowning in sudden annoyance at her. Then his face relaxed a little and he held up his hand briefly in apology.

"Are you alright?" Taylor asked gently.

"Me? I'm fine."

"You were a good friend to go with her."

Matt shrugged. "It's nothing more than Jess would do for me. She doesn't have much family, and since Donna left she hasn't seen much of their friends…"

"You're all she's got?"

"Yeah, maybe."

"Then she's lucky to have you as a friend." She didn't know what else to say to make him feel better. "Can I do anything? I mean, I can come over tonight if you'd like to talk…"

"Thanks, but I'm heading over to Jess's place."

He got to his feet.

"Wait." Taylor rose too and came out from behind her desk to give him an awkward hug. Despite their previous physical intimacy, it still felt strange embracing him.

"I'm here if you need me," she said with a small smile.

He returned the expression, eyeing her with new appreciation.

"Thanks, Wethersby."

Taylor watched him go with a heavy heart, concerned for Jessica but also worried about Matt. She hadn't expected to feel the latter so keenly.

0 0 0 0

In the weeks that followed Matt got into a routine of hospital pick ups and spending the night on Jessica's uncomfortable couch on the days she was treated. She had declined his help at first, saying she didn't need it even though she was undergoing chemotherapy. At first she had felt fine, and was hoping she'd be one of the lucky few who only had a mild reaction to the chemical cocktail being pumped into her body. But her habitual independence waned rapidly as the effects of the chemo took hold. She was grateful for his presence, even if he could do nothing to make her feel better. After the nanny left for the day she knew Matt would be there at night to keep her company and look after Liam when she was too tired or sick to do it herself.

He comforted her when Jessica's letter to Donna telling her ex-lover about the cancer was returned unopened. When all of her hair started to fall out he told her she was still beautiful. When she was feeling too sick to feed Liam he would take charge and keep her mind off her nausea by telling jokes and relaying something funny that had happened at the office. That was quite a feat in itself, as she had never found his job particularly entertaining. But he told her stories about a lawyer called Eli whose strange antics kept them both amused.

With each cycle of chemotherapy Jessica felt herself feeling sicker but she focused on the fact that the treatment was working and her oncologist was pleased with the results so far. When she was first diagnosed all the research she'd done on inflammatory breast cancer scared her so much and she thought she'd been handed a death sentence. But she was determined to fight it. She would not miss Liam growing up. Once she made that vow to herself her whole attitude changed and Jessica told Matt she was going to beat it.

He'd held her hand and said he knew it too.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Matt was returning from court three months later when his assistant told him that Jessica was waiting in his office. He found her staring out his window, wearing a scarf around her head instead of the wig which she usually donned when she left the house.

"Jess?" Matt said, concern etched in his voice.

She looked away from the window. Her skin was still sallow from the chemo though her last round had finished two weeks earlier. But she refused to be beaten down by it and she smiled like the Jessica he knew and loved.

"Is everything alright?"

"I guess that's all relative, isn't it?" she said with a casual shrug of her shoulders.

"Sorry. Come sit down." He held her hand as they sat on the couch together. "Did you meet with the surgeon?"

"Uh huh. Everything's all set. No turning back now."

Her voice trailed off as it often did when she spoke about the mastectomy she was about to undergo. Matt's gaze was sympathetic but Jessica brightened when she reminded herself about the importance of focusing on the positives. She cleared her throat, forcing herself to smile again.

"Is the nanny all set to stay while you're in hospital?" he asked.

"Yes. And Sally and Eva will take him on the weekend and a couple of nights. The surgeon said I won't be able to pick him up for a few weeks while I'm recovering."

"You know I'm here too, right?" he said. "I've already offered to take some time off…"

"It's all arranged, I'm completely covered. But thank you." She took a deep breath. "There's something else I'd like to talk to you about. After Liam was born we updated my will but I want to make sure everything's in order."

Matt made a dismissive gesture with his hand. "Jess, you're going to be okay. The chemo worked."

"I know. But I have to be practical. I've seen a financial adviser about setting up a trust fund for him. I just need the legal paperwork drawn up."

"I'll get started on it and then we can talk about it tonight," Matt said. "I'll even make dinner. I got Lauren to order a macrobiotic recipe book, and I promise not to poison you."

"Actually..." She looked down briefly. "I'd like someone else to do it."

"You don't like my cooking?"

She smiled, knowing full well he understood her true meaning. "The paperwork."

He sank back into the couch, trying not to look hurt. Jessica grasped his other hand.

"Matt, we need to talk. I need to ask you something."

He looked down at their clasped hands. "If you're going to propose to me…"

"Don't make a joke, not now," she said, frustration sneaking into her voice. She turned her pale blue eyes on him and held his gaze. "It's about Liam and who'll look after him if something happens to me."

"Oh," said Matt soberly. "Listen, Jess, I know you have to think about this stuff but you know it's not going to come to that."

"I know it won't. I believe that. But if it does…"

When she had trouble continuing Matt squeezed her hands to let her know he understood. They had researched the statistics together when she was diagnosed. He knew as well as she did that long term survival for this type of cancer was not great. But Jessica was determined to see Liam's first steps and to teach him his first words. She would see him start school, and all the other firsts that he would experience. Matt hated contemplating the alternative, even if she had to.

"I've been thinking about this ever since I got sick," Jessica continued. "If it does happen, I need to know that you'll be there for him… all those things you planned to teach him."

"Jess, you know I will."

"But about who'll look after him…"

"It's okay," he said, interrupting her so she didn't have to say it. "I know I'm his godfather but I also know you didn't make that choice with this scenario in mind. It makes sense to ask Sally and Eva. You don't have to explain."

"I don't want Sally and Eva to have him, Matt," she said fervently. "I want _you_. I mean, I want you to think about being Liam's guardian if I'm not here anymore. To be his parent."

Matt gaped in surprise, struggling for a response. There was a long pause until he stammered, "I thought you'd want one of your hot lesbian couple friends…"

"I considered it," she admitted. "I know they would in a heartbeat. But I know you and I love you. You're my best friend and I can't think of a better person to raise my son if I can't."

She gripped his hand tightly, trying not to become emotional thinking about that scenario. She swallowed hard.

"This is serious, Matt. You have to be sure. It's asking a lot, I know, and I don't want you to answer now. Think about it, okay?"

"Okay," he said, still shell shocked.

"We'll talk in a couple of days. I'll be getting everything organized for the hospital but if you want to discuss it…"

"Okay."

"Thank you." She kissed his cheek and left him sitting alone on the couch.

He sat there for a long time, imagining a dozen different scenarios. He hadn't anticipated Jessica's request – it wasn't even a notion he'd fleetingly entertained when he contemplated the worst happening to her. Even during all their quasi-family outings or the times he had looked after Liam alone, Matt had never wondered what it would be like if was trying to raise him. Now he found himself faced with considering just that.

0 0 0 0

Taylor entered his office without knocking later that night and found him at his desk, still deep in thought. She had had a long hard day working on a particularly messy divorce and needed cheering up. While she hadn't seen much of him in recent months, there were still times when one of them needed something from the other. It usually resulted in rigorous sex at his place (and once in her car but she preferred not to count that), then she would go home, sated, and sleep like a baby.

"Hungry?" she asked without preamble. It was a lame excuse for what she really wanted but it worked for them. "I've just been reminded today that all men are pigs and can't be trusted but I figure better the devil you know, right?"

He didn't respond, he just sat there pinching his bottom lip between two fingers.

"Of course we could just forgo the drive and I could just take my clothes off right here," she said, knowing he wasn't paying attention.

"Huh?" He finally looked at her.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Just thinking."

He looked undeniably miserable. Taylor's face softened, her grumpy mood forgotten.

"How's Jessica doing?"

"Okay," he said with a sigh. "As good as you can be when you're about to undergo a radical mastectomy."

Taylor looked away, feeling uncomfortable.

"After that she'll probably have radiation," Matt said dully, not meeting her eyes. "Or depending on her results there might be more chemo. There's an IBC clinical trial they want her to take part in."

Taylor regretted asking the question. She felt terrible for what Jessica was going through but she hated how concerned it made her feel. She missed his frat boy bravado because she didn't concern herself with his feelings then.

"She came to see me today," Matt went on. "She wants to get her affairs in order, just in case."

"That's understandable."

"Yeah."

"I'd be happy to take care of it," Taylor offered.

"She might take you up on that. She wants another lawyer to handle it."

"Did something happen between the two of you?"

"She wants me to take him. Liam. If she dies she wants me to be his guardian," he blurted out.

Taylor didn't hide her surprise. "Really?"

Matt's eyes flashed with hurt but he covered it quickly with a smirk. "I know, right? It's crazy. Me with a kid?"

"It's not that, I just thought… You know, her family..."

"She never knew her father and her mom's gone. She has a step father somewhere in Florida but they never got along."

Taylor was unsure what to say. But she saw that he was waiting for her to say something. "It's a big responsibility. What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to say yes," he said.

Taylor wasn't prepared for the quiet resolve in his voice.

"Are you sure?" she asked hesitantly. "This is a big deal, Matt. Are you really prepared to have a child in your life if the worst happens?"

"It's Jess's baby. She's my best friend."

"And your ex-girlfriend. Part of you still loves her, I know that. She does too. But that doesn't mean you have to give up the way you live your life. And by taking care of a child you know you'd have to."

"You don't think I can do it," he said, his eyes narrowing.

"I didn't say that."

"No, but you're thinking it."

"I'm just saying it would be a huge adjustment. And you have to seriously look at how you live and know that you can look after another human being who would rely on you completely."

"And clearly I'm too selfish, aren't I?"

"I didn't say that," she repeated.

"Do you even like me?" he asked, his anger mounting. "Or am I just good for the occasional fuck when the mood takes you, and then you can pretend it never happened."

"Matt…"

He got up abruptly. "I may not compare to Saint Eli but I'm not a complete asshole."

"Would you wait a minute…"

He was already at the door when he turned briefly. "Maybe you should find someone else to take care of your needs tonight. I'm done."

Taylor was left alone, dazed, wondering what had just happened.

0 0 0 0

Two days later Patti entered Eli's office and announced that his ten o'clock was waiting.

"I don't have a ten o'clock," he protested, checking his appointment listing.

"You do now. Matt Dowd's here to see you."

"Matt?" said Eli when the other lawyer passed Patti on his way in.

"I still say this office is bigger than mine," Matt said by way of an opening, casting his eyes around.

Eli had been given the space a few months earlier when Jordan finally caved in and gave him an office again. Matt knew that Eli was being groomed for the long-rumored pro bono division that Jordan wanted to start, which fueled their already competitive race to become a junior partner.

"What is it they say? Size isn't everything?" replied Eli.

"You're probably used to hearing that, sure. But don't worry, pal, your secret is safe with me."

"Hilarious. What is it you want?"

"I need a lawyer."

"I'm afraid to ask…"

Matt smirked as he dug his hands in his pockets. "Nothing untoward, I promise. I need a legal guardian order for a friend of mine. For her kid."

"Who's the guardian?"

Matt's smile faded. "Me."


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Matt didn't speak to Taylor for the remainder of the week. After she tried apologizing to him and he'd ignored her, her own anger prevented her from pursuing it. But as the days wore on and she watched him from across the conference table or passed him pedeconferencing in the corridors with Lauren, Taylor admitted to herself that she felt bad. She was startled to find that she missed his company – an unexpected turn of events considering how little time they actually spent together. But just knowing that he was there to complain to when she was annoyed with work, or discuss a case that was troubling her, or that thing he did with his… Yes, Taylor missed him, plain and simple.

It was clear he was avoiding her. She hadn't even had a chance to inquire about Jessica's operation or ask how Matt was holding up after his decision. Eli had prepared all the legal documents Jessica had wanted, that much Taylor knew. She didn't know how she felt about Matt asking Eli to undertake the work, given his apparent jealousy over what he assumed she still felt for her ex-fiancé. Mostly she decided that, for now anyway, she was better off not thinking about either of them.

Work was a sufficient distraction as Christmas approached and there was a flurry of activity before most of the lawyers left for the holidays. Taylor was saying goodbye to a client in the WPK lobby when she unexpectedly spied a familiar face – Beth Keller was there thumbing through a magazine. Taylor dipped her head in order to catch her eye and smiled.

"Beth?"

"Taylor… hi." Beth hesitantly set the magazine aside and stood up.

"How are you?" Taylor asked, refusing to show any awkwardness speaking to Eli's college girlfriend. She had to prove to herself and everyone else that she was completely over him.

"Um, fine thank you." Beth glanced swiftly over Taylor's shoulder before returning her attention to their conversation. "You?"

"Fine too. And your son?"

"Ben's great."

"Good." Taylor smiled and nodded and realized she had nothing else to say. She wasn't good at small talk. Neither of them spoke for several moments until Taylor remembered something Eli had told her. She leaned closer to Beth. "I heard about you and Nate. I think it's great you're together."

Beth's eyes widened and she nodded along. "Oh yeah? Thanks."

"He's a good guy."

"He is. Gotta love those Stone boys." Beth grimaced slightly at her own words and smiled apologetically.

Unfazed, Taylor asked, "Are you waiting to see Eli?"

"Ah no…" Beth looked up at the sound of the approaching heels on the tiled floor and breathed a small sigh of relief. "Actually I'm just here to steal Maggie away for lunch."

Taylor turned and saw the younger lawyer who was pulling on her coat. She planted a smile on her face that didn't quite reach her eyes.

"Hi. Sorry, I had a few calls to make," Maggie said to Beth. She glanced quickly at Taylor, looking guilty for leaving the office in the middle of the day. "Hi, Taylor."

"Hi. Well, I won't keep you both. Have a nice lunch," said Taylor, trying to sound as sincere as possible.

"Thank you," Maggie called after her, before Beth took her by the arm and ushered her out, whispering an apology as she did so.

Taylor walked back to her office, thinking about what she had seen. She decided not to say anything, but then, as if pulled by an invisible force, she made a detour and stopped by Eli's office instead.

"Hey," he said, looking up from his work and greeting her with an easy, if brief, smile. "Did you read Posner's memo? Apparently he really is the Grinch who stole Christmas."

"What? Oh, the party," she replied distractedly. "I'm sure it'll be a barrel of laughs."

She stood by his door, undecided whether or not to come in. It wasn't until he asked her to that she walked inside.

"What's up?"

"Nothing," she said, changing her mind on the spot about saying anything.

"How's Matt doing?" Eli asked. "Guess he's still pretty freaked out about the whole guardian thing. I know I would be."

"I don't know, he hasn't talked to me about it."

Eli's eyebrows rose in surprise. "Really? I thought you two…"

"What?" she challenged.

"Nothing."

Taylor frowned when reminded of their recent falling out. "He's angry with me because I questioned him over the decision. I was only trying to point out what a serious commitment it was but he took it the wrong way."

"It _is_ a serious commitment. And Matt isn't exactly a likely candidate for single parenthood."

"I know," replied Taylor with a relieved breath. "Thank you! That was my point. But apparently I wasn't being a supportive…"

"A supportive what?" asked Eli, his eyes twinkling with amusement.

Taylor hid a smile. "Colleague. A supportive colleague."

"Is that what the kids are calling it these days."

"And I'm sure you and Maggie are just 'good colleagues' too, right?" she said, turning the tables on him.

It was Eli's turn to be evasive. "What? Maggie?"

"Don't even try and tell me there's nothing going on between you two. Beth Keller was just here meeting her for lunch."

"Oh, yeah? Beth?"

"Yes, Beth. Your brother's girlfriend taking _your_ girlfriend out to lunch. Always nice when the future sisters-in-law get along, isn't it?"

"You're reading a bit much into it, don't you think?"

"Am I?" she asked, fixing him with a knowing stare.

Eli held out as long as he could but then a small smile appeared on his lips and he let out a breath. Taylor returned the smile.

"You could have told me, you know," she said. "I thought we were friends."

"We are… And I would have. We were just keeping it to ourselves for a while."

"How long's a while?"

He shrugged casually. "Eight months."

Taylor looked for something to throw at him but he held up his hands in preemptive surrender.

"Please tell me I'm not the last one to know about this," she said, feeling foolish.

"You're the first, I swear. Or maybe the second. Patti has ways of knowing these things."

Taylor crossed her arms over her chest. "Well, congratulations, I guess. Is it weird to say congratulations if you've been dating for eight months?"

"It's kind of weird you saying congratulations at any time about this," he admitted.

"Okay. But I am happy for you, Eli. I'm glad you found someone."

"Thank you. It wasn't something we planned…"

"You don't have to explain."

"Thanks," he said, relieved.

She smiled sadly. Taylor knew she shouldn't have been surprised that he was seeing Maggie. She'd long suspected there was something going on between them, even when she and Eli were newly broken up. She admitted it hurt a little, especially knowing that they were making it work even though Eli's aneurysm had returned. Taylor had always held onto the fact that they'd split up in part because he'd wanted to protect her from being hurt if something happened to him. But whatever Maggie and Eli had transcended that. Taylor wasn't sure if it was because Maggie could handle it better or if Eli had changed after almost dying having the aneurysm removed. Or maybe he just loved her more. Whatever the reason they had been able to make it work.

"What about you and The Dowd?" Eli asked teasingly.

"I have absolutely nothing to report on that front."

"The rumor mill says otherwise."

"Hearsay, Your Honor."

"Overruled."

"Then I plead the Fifth," said Taylor. "Honestly, there's nothing going on. He's not even speaking to me at the moment."

"I would have thought that's a blessing somehow."

"Yeah, you're probably right." She sighed, knowing it was far from the truth. "I'd better get back to work. See you 'round, Eli."

Taylor walked to the door then paused. "I'm glad she makes you happy."

Eli nodded, a faint smile on his lips, then Taylor was gone.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Staff Christmas parties at Wethersby, Posner and Klein had always been decadent, with at least one office scandal arising from drunken attorneys getting up to no good. But that year Martin Posner, in the managing partner chair while Jordan cruised in the Bahamas, decided that quarterly billings were down by too many percentage points to warrant any more than a few drinks on a Friday night. Even the Santa had been cancelled.

Taylor still did her best to converse with her colleagues about something other than work. But after hearing yet another story about others' plans for big family Christmas dinners when her own parents had abandoned her for the holidays, she gave up and stood alone by the appetizers.

"Crudités? Who eats raw vegetables at Christmas? Or, you know, ever?"

Upon hearing his voice Taylor smiled to herself. When she turned and saw Matt beside her picking through the meager offering, she couldn't deny the rush of relief she felt. It was the first time he had initiated any sort of conversation with her in weeks.

"It's Posner's health kick," she said, her cheeks feeling warm. "Apparently we all have to suffer."

"That explains the lack of copious amounts of real alcohol."

Matt turned and looked at the rest of the staff mingling, but he didn't leave her side. Taylor copied him and they stood in a long but companionable silence. She wished she could think of something suitably quick-witted to say that would flippantly show him just how little his absence from her life had meant. But Taylor just had an overwhelming urge to tell him that she'd missed him, so she stayed quiet instead.

"How's Jessica doing?" she asked eventually.

"Great."

"Everything went okay?"

"With the mastectomy? Yeah. She's doing fine."

"I'm glad," said Taylor sincerely. "Listen, Matt, I'm sorry about what I said when you told me about Liam. I didn't mean to imply that you wouldn't make a good parent."

"It's okay, you weren't the only one. Her friends have been pretty vocal on the subject. And it wasn't anything different from what I was thinking myself. But it's what Jess wants. Even though it won't come to that," he added dismissively.

"God forbid," she agreed, then worried that he might take offense if he took it the wrong way.

But Matt grinned at her, an expression she had not seen for some time. She found herself smiling too. Taylor was about to suggest that they go in search of some top shelf alcohol in her father's office and find somewhere quieter to catch up, but he went back to making small talk that caused her to hesitate.

"What are your plans for Christmas?" he asked.

"Nothing much. I'm looking forward to a few days home alone…" She realized it sounded a little pathetic. "I'm supposed to go visit my best friend and her family but, to be honest, I'd be just as happy at home. You?"

"Christmas with my parents in Santa Barbara. I'm taking Jess and Liam with me. We're leaving tomorrow – driving down the coast through Big Sur, taking in the sights."

"Sounds great," she replied, mustering as much enthusiasm as she could. She felt a twinge of jealousy that wasn't becoming and was determined to ignore it.

"Yeah. It's been ages since my folks have seen Jess and they haven't met Liam yet. My mom's been cooking for a week."

"Of course, they would have known her from…"

"College, yeah. They still think of her as the daughter-in-law they should have had. I think my mom was more devastated than me when Jess came out," Matt said with a smile that masked the untruth. "Well, we've got an early start ahead of us so I think I'm going to call it a night."

"Okay." She hid her disappointment with well practiced ease. "Have fun."

Matt finished the last of his drink and deposited the empty glass on the table behind them. Spotting something by the elevator, he glanced back at Taylor.

"Is this light beer more potent than I thought or did I just see Stone leaving with his arm around Maggie Dekker?"

"As much as I'd prefer to be drunk right now… no, it's not and yes, you did," replied Taylor. Under her breath she added, "So much for keeping it a secret."

"Really?"

"Uh huh."

"And you knew?"

"I just found out the other day. It's been going on for months."

"Sneaky bastard," Matt said, his voice revealing a hint of admiration for his colleague and adversary when it came to promotion.

"That's one way to describe him."

Matt smiled sympathetically at her. "You okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Just asking."

Taylor sighed, refusing to be defensive about Eli any longer. She knew Matt only did it to provoke a reaction.

"Well, Merry Christmas, Wethersby," he said, then drew her into a brief hug.

"You too," she said, her voice sounding tight against his shoulder. She pulled away and planted a smile on her face that was more of an effort than she expected. "Have fun in Santa Barbara."

After he was gone she remained where she was for a few more minutes, but then gave up trying to pretend she was having a good time and spent the rest of the evening working in her office.

0 0 0 0

"God, I forgot how much food your mother serves," Jessica groaned as they sat on Matt's parent's deck overlooking the water. They'd been eating Christmas dinner for the past five hours and she was ready to burst.

"I warned you," Matt said. "She's been planning all this for weeks."

"It's so good seeing them again. I forgot how much I missed them."

"Same for them. They still ask about you all the time, wondering if you've decided the whole lesbian thing was a phase and there's hope you'll be part of the family yet."

Jessica slapped his arm lightly then rested her head against his shoulder as they listened to the ocean.

"Not too cold?" he asked, wrapping his arm around her.

"No." But she snuggled closer to him, more susceptible to the cold than she had been before the chemo. Jessica ran her fingers over her face, brushing aside a strand of the wig and feeling the smooth skin where her eyebrows had yet to grow back. Each time she did so she was reminded of her illness, and what other people saw when they looked at her. It was easy to forget, especially when she was surrounded by people who loved her. She always felt beautiful when Matt looked at her.

"Thank you for bringing us here," she said softly. She felt his cheek press against the top of her head.

"Thank you for coming. Although you know you've spoiled the folks forever bringing Liam here. The pressure's going to really be on to produce a grandchild now."

"You'd make a wonderful father," Jessica murmured.

"Is that an invitation?"

She felt his grin and heard it in his voice. "Matt, I'm lucky I'm here at all."

"I told you you'd be okay."

"Yes, and now that I am I think having a baby would be pushing it just a little, don't you?"

"Maybe not right now… but one day."

Pinching his arm in response, she tried not to dwell on the hurt his suggestion brought her now. After months of chemotherapy and the looming round of radiation to eradicate any remaining cancer, she knew falling pregnant was unrealistic even if she had wanted to. And part of her did.

"Jess."

She sat up and met his gaze that was suddenly solemn.

"I'm serious," he said quietly. "I know I've joked about it before but I mean it. About us… being a family."

"Matt–"

"I know, I know. But hear me out. You know I still love you. I never stopped. And the thought of losing you…"

"You won't lose me."

He looked pained as he tried to find the right words to make her understand.

"But it's made me realize that I'm still in love with you. And I know how ridiculous that sounds, and that you're all about the ladies, but… maybe we could try again and just see how it goes."

"Matt…" Jessica smiled sadly as she cupped his cheek with her hand.

She wished she could give him what he wanted. She knew she could do it too. She could agree to be with him again, to give Liam a father and herself a partner through sickness and in health.

For one brief moment Jessica allowed herself to imagine 'what if?'. When he leaned in slowly to kiss her she let him, and as his warm lips brushed against hers she pretended it could work. But she knew deep down that it couldn't happen, that it wasn't fair on him. Just because she was alone and facing her own mortality didn't give her the right to turn his world upside down. Because when she was better – not if, but when – she knew he wouldn't be able to make her completely happy. And that wasn't fair on either of them.

She pulled away, breaking the kiss. Matt's expression was as open and vulnerable as she'd ever seen it, even when she'd told him she was leaving him because she'd fallen in love with a woman all those years ago. Her eyes were moist.

"I can't."

He looked down, expressing a soft snort as he did so.

"I'm sorry," she said. She raised his chin, her gaze locked on his. "Matt, I love you too but it would be living a lie."

"I know."

"You're my best friend and I don't know what I would have done without you through all this…" Tears slipped down her cheeks and he hushed her words, pulling her into a hug.

"I wish I could be more," she said, emotion breaking her voice.

"It's okay, I understand."

"You deserve someone who'll love you completely, Matt." Jessica sat back to look at him. "I know you'll find her."

He tried to smile as he brushed her tears from her face. "You will too. We'd just better make sure she's not the same woman because if we have to fight over her you're going down, Benson."

Jessica laughed and stopped crying. She bent forward and kissed his cheek tenderly. Matt let her, burying his feelings as best as he could.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

They stayed on at his parents' place for a few days and by New Year's Eve they were back in San Francisco. Jessica had been invited to a party and even though it would be wall to wall lesbians and she'd asked him to go with her, Matt had declined. He had accepted her decision when it came to the two of them, but he wasn't quite prepared to go back to the way things were immediately. Matt bid Jessica and Liam goodbye upon their return from Santa Barbara and was relieved to go home and be alone.

He settled on his couch with a glass of scotch to watch the proceedings on television instead. His neighbor's party was in full swing so in the end he muted the sound and opted for their music and laughter as the evening's soundtrack.

When his doorbell rang for the third time that night he yelled from the couch that he had no more beer to give them – they'd cleaned him out an hour earlier. The chime sounded again and when he finally answered the door Matt found a hesitant-looking Taylor standing there.

His grin was automatic. "New Year's Eve. Really, Wethersby?"

"I wasn't sure you'd be home. Do I need to check if you're alone?" she asked lightly.

"Just me and Sonny Bono."

He held her gaze and neither of them spoke for several moments. Then, with a more demure smile, he stood back to allow her in.

"I just wanted to stop by to see how you're doing."

"You had nothing better to do tonight?"

Taylor shrugged off her coat to reveal a blue cocktail dress. Matt took it from her, giving her a drawn out, appreciative look to show his approval.

"My parents are having a party," she said. "After a couple of hours of my mother trying to fix me up with a CPA, I made my escape."

"Drink?"

"Scotch?"

"What else?" He poured them both a generous glass and handed one to her.

"Are you wearing sweatpants?" she asked incredulously.

"I'm home alone on New Year's Eve watching the best of Dick Clark. You were expecting a tux?"

"Fair enough." She raised her glass in a toast and took a large gulp that burned all the way down. When he raised an eyebrow at her she said, "Did I mention I've been trapped talking to a CPA all night?"

"Refill?"

"Please."

He topped up the drink while she made herself comfortable on his couch.

"How was your Christmas?" she asked politely, already feeling the heady glow from the alcohol.

"Merry," he replied with little enthusiasm. "Yours?"

"Same."

Matt took a seat next to her and they clinked glasses again. Taylor looked around his apartment, hoping he would start a conversation. When he just sat there, watching her, she grew self conscious.

"What?"

His eyes twinkled as he gazed at her. "I'm glad you came by."

She smiled involuntarily. "I wasn't sure if you wanted to see me… If you were still mad."

"Pfft." He dismissed the idea with a wave of his hand.

"It's been ages since we… talked."

"I've missed us… talking," he said.

"Yeah, me too," she admitted sheepishly.

There was a roar of laughter from the neighboring apartment which reminded them both of their poor excuse for a New Year's celebration.

"Must be getting closer to midnight than I thought. Maybe I should head back to the party. I didn't say goodbye to anyone," Taylor said after another long silence. "You could come with me if you like."

"I'm a little underdressed," he replied, indicating his t-shirt, sweats and bare feet.

"Maybe just a little." She sipped the last of her scotch and placed the tumbler on his coffee table next to a half empty bag of pretzels. Taylor felt an unexpected wave of pity for him even though he seemed quite contented to be alone on such a night.

When he made no move to stop her she got up reluctantly and retrieved her coat. Before she had a chance to put it on she heard him clear his throat.

"You could stay... If you want to."

She smothered a smile, ensuring her face was composed when she turned around. "Do you want me to?"

"Do you want me to want you to?" he countered with a grin.

Taylor let out an exasperated breath. "We're not very good at this, are we?"

"Depends the way you look at it," Matt said with a shrug. "Awkward semi-relationships, no. Hot naked sex, yes. I think we should focus on the positives."

This time she did not hide her smile. It spread slowly across her lips as he closed the distance between them.

"Deal," said Taylor.

0 0 0 0

By the time January was in full swing they were busy with work again. With Jessica doing well health-wise Matt was able to focus his energies on his caseload. He knew he had lost ground to make up on. Martin Posner had reminded him several times that his billings were down and it had been months since he'd signed any new clients. Matt focused his energies and pumped out the work, allowing little to distract him. Nights with Taylor increased in frequency, and they settled into a strange but satisfactory existence that included plenty of heated arguments when it came to just about any topic they could name, and more passion than either of them thought possible to sustain. The equation was simple: work came first, sex second, and companionship such a distant third it was an overweight marathon runner.

Eli's promotion to junior partner before him was a set back. Jordan had finally announced that the pro bono division would commence operations in the new year and Eli had been appointed to head it up soon after. Not even the revelation that he was dating one of the firm's junior associates put off the appointment. Eli had made sure Jordan knew about his relationship with Maggie, having learned his lesson about keeping secrets from him. Matt congratulated him over the promotion but it was half-hearted at best. The competition to see who would make junior partner first had only ever been on Matt's side – Eli not even aware that he had started a betting pool among the associates several years earlier. To add insult to injury, Matt lost a 1000 dollars backing himself.

He was even more determined to shine after that. He was ruthless in his negotiations for clients, writing up multi-million dollar deals that would net the firm a healthy percentage. By March Jordan had started acknowledging him again, after catching him making out with Taylor in the elevator a month before. It might take a while longer for the managing partner to repeat the sort of sentiment he had when Matt requested they drop Jayson Turk as a client, but things were on the up.

Liam had his first birthday and Jessica went overboard with the party planning. She had started back at work and invited everyone from his daycare, so she and Matt spent the day chasing after toddlers in the local park where the party was held. After a couple of hours they were both exhausted and quite content to spend a quiet evening back at her place recovering. They were still as close as ever, with no awkwardness between them after his declaration at Christmas. He learned to be thankful for such mercies.

All in all Matt was contented. He still had a junior partnership position to earn, he had Jessica and Liam in his life, and even he and Taylor were moving slowly towards something that vaguely resembled a workable coexistence.

So he wasn't prepared for the phone call from Jessica a month later to tell him that she'd had a check up and they had found spots on her lungs and in her liver. The cancer was back.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Metastases. Not the easiest word to say over and over again as Matt had been doing for days. After chemotherapy and radiation and the briefest of reprieves where life was normal again, Jessica was facing a new diagnosis. The cancer had metastasized to her liver and her lungs. It was the latter that had her oncologist frowning, especially when he reviewed her chest films a fortnight later and confirmed more spots had appeared.

"What now?" she asked as Matt sat by her side feeling more helpless than he ever had in his life. It was the only question either of them was thinking.

"We put you on a different chemo regime starting immediately," the doctor said, going on to outline the treatment that would be even more aggressive than what she'd already commenced when the secondaries had first appeared. It would mean hospitalization rather than out patient treatment.

"And will that stop it this time?" Jessica persisted.

"I won't lie to you, Jessica. The rate of growth on your lungs… it's going to be an uphill battle. But we'll keep fighting."

Matt stared at her, wondering how she could possibly keep her composure. He just wanted to get the hell out of there himself.

"When do we stop?" she asked quietly.

"We'll talk about it when we're there," replied the doctor.

Jessica nodded wanly. Matt held her hand but his instinct to flee became even more pronounced. It was the one conversation he dreaded – one he was nowhere near ready to have. He didn't know if he would be able to if it came to that.

0 0 0 0

The call came early on a Sunday morning. It was barely 2AM when the shrill tone woke him from a sound sleep. After a few moments of disorientation he found the lamp switch by his bed and picked up the phone. His greeting was more of a mumble than a hello.

"Matt?"

At the sound of Jessica's broken voice, Matt was wide awake. He sat up with a start, waking Taylor beside him who squinted against the light.

"Jess? What is it? Are you alright?"

There was a painful silence before she croaked, "No."

"Do you need to go to the hospital?" Matt's knuckles were white as he held the phone to his ear.

"No. I just… I just need you to come over."

"I'm coming now. Wait there, I'm coming."

Matt pulled on his jeans as soon as he disconnected the call. He half stumbled as he crossed the room to find a shirt. He hadn't looked at Taylor or even remembered she had stayed over until she cleared her throat.

"Is she alright?" Taylor asked.

"I don't know," Matt replied, distracted, as he hunted for his wallet which was in a different pair of pants he'd discarded so quickly only a few hours earlier when he and Taylor had returned from dinner. "I'm going over there."

Taylor watched as he readied himself, covering her bare chest with a sheet as if he'd never seen her naked. Not that he was even glancing in her direction. She swallowed hard, her voice full of concern for him when she saw the panic in his eyes.

"Do you want me to come too?" When he just looked at her in surprise she added, "Maybe I could help."

"It's okay, you don't have to."

"I want to."

Matt paused for a brief moment. Taylor had never offered to help with anything when it came to Jessica, unless it was legal paperwork or when he needed a metaphorical shoulder to cry on. It wasn't that she was heartless, he knew she had difficulty getting involved in such an emotionally charged situation. Given half a chance he wouldn't have involved himself either, if he admitted it. He found it hard to believe just how much he'd been able to handle, especially the times Jessica was so very ill after chemotherapy.

His face softened slightly and he nodded, suddenly grateful that he wouldn't have to go to Jessica's alone. More than that, he was grateful that she'd offered without him having to say how much he needed her support.

Taylor dressed quickly and within minutes they were speeding towards Jessica's apartment across town. When they arrived Matt let himself in with his own key and strode into the living room. Taylor stood back, unsure what situation they were walking into, and watched as he found Jessica slumped against the wall, the phone still clutched in her hand.

Taylor wasn't sure how she thought he'd react, but she was a little surprised to see the calm and reassuring way he took Jessica in his arms and held her as she cried. She was shaking uncontrollably but it was soon clear the emergency did not require medical attention.

"Shh, Jess. What is it? What happened?" Matt said as he rubbed her back.

It was several moments before she was able to respond, and when she did Taylor struggled to hear her.

"I lost him!" Jessica said in a strangled voice, clutching the front of Matt's shirt. "I lost Liam! I woke up and I couldn't find him. I kept running but he wasn't there."

"What do you mean? Where is he?" Matt looked up at Taylor, startled. He indicated with his head towards the first bedroom door off the hallway which was ajar – Liam's name was written in a wooden decal on it. Taylor quickly moved to peak inside the room. She was relieved to see the boy asleep in his crib.

She silently confirmed this for Matt when she returned.

"Liam's asleep, Jess, he's okay," he said evenly. "You just had a dream."

"I couldn't find him anywhere." Jessica's hollow eyes were still wide with fright and tears stained her yellowed cheeks. Matt hugged her closer.

"Liam's alright, Jessica," Taylor said, stepping forward. She thought a second opinion might help calm her down.

Jessica shrank visibly when she noticed Taylor for the first time, then seemed to remember herself and stopped crying. She turned her face as she wiped her cheeks, then reached for the scarf that was no longer around her bare head.

Sensing her embarrassment, Matt glanced up at Taylor. "Could you give us a minute?"

Taylor realized her misstep and retreated a few paces to the front door. She waited awkwardly as Matt picked Jessica up and got her over to the couch where she straightened her pajamas which hung loosely on her thin frame. For a few minutes he spoke to her in a hushed voice that Taylor couldn't hear.

When he did finally seek her out it was only to hand him the keys to his Porsche.

"Are you okay to drive yourself back to my place? I'm gonna stay here," he said.

"Of course," Taylor stammered, accepting the keys.

"Take it if you'd rather go home. I'll grab a cab to come pick it up later."

He gently ushered her closer to the door and she could tell he just wanted to get back to Jessica.

"I can stay and help," she offered weakly, realizing she had no idea what to do even if Jessica did want her there. "Maybe I could look after Liam or something."

"He'll be asleep for hours yet, and the nanny comes at seven. It's fine, I've got it."

Taylor opened the door, but her reluctance to leave was all about Matt and not because of his best friend and her son.

"I'll call you, okay?" he said.

He didn't kiss goodbye her before closing the door gently, shutting her out.

0 0 0 0

"Sorry I ruined your night," Jessica said later as she lay against Matt's chest. They lay fully clothed on her bed, their feet intertwined as she sought his warmth.

He smiled in the grey light of dawn, peering bleary-eyed at the half opened window in her room.

"You didn't ruin it. Taylor doesn't usually sleep over anyway."

"Things are getting serious, huh?" she murmured lightly.

"I wouldn't say that."

Matt's arm tightened around her slightly as she nestled to get more comfortable. They had been talking for hours and he was surprised she still had the energy to remain awake.

"She'd be lucky to have you."

"Whatever you say."

"I do say. I'm your best friend and your ex-girlfriend. I should know."

"Okay," he replied sleepily.

It only took a minute for him to drift off. He didn't know how long he dozed when he heard her again. The light was a little warmer as the sun began to rise.

"I'm not going to have any more chemo, Matt."

He didn't respond immediately, pretending he hadn't heard her. But his eyes blinked open and he stared at her bedroom ceiling. He held his breath for a long moment before her words sunk in and he exhaled.

"Remember when Dr. Moore said we'd talk about it when it was time to stop?"

"You saw him? I thought your appointment wasn't until next week," Matt said.

"I went yesterday," she explained quietly. "The pain in my hip started a week ago. It's in my bones now."

Matt throat ached as he swallowed repeatedly.

"Jesus, Jess."

She held him closer, for once providing comfort to him. But she didn't cry – her tears had dried up hours ago.

"I don't want to be sick anymore. I can't function like this. I can't spend the time I need to with Liam."

"But if the chemo can help…"

"It's just delaying the inevitable, Matt. I have to face that."

When he didn't respond for some time she reluctantly drew herself up onto her elbow so she could look at him. He was still staring at the ceiling, but tears had tracked down either side of his face. She gently pulled his chin down so she could meet his eyes, her gaze resolute.

"I want to spend what time I have left being a mom to my son, Matt. Okay?"

"Okay," he replied, giving her his very best attempt at a smile.

0 0 0 0

Matt was exhausted by the time he slumped inside his own apartment later that morning. The place was still and silent and for a moment he stood just inside the door, unmoving. Taylor found him that way when she emerged from the bedroom.

"Hey," he said, tired but pleased she was there. "I thought you'd've gone by now."

"I wanted to stick around to see how Jessica was," she replied with a shrug. "I hope that's okay."

"Of course it is."

When Taylor smiled sadly at him he surprised them both by crossing the room to envelop her in a hug. Then he held on too long and she knew it was more than just him greeting her.

"Is she alright?" Taylor whispered.

"No," he said simply and squeezed her a little tighter.

"Oh, Matt." Taylor's hand came to rest on the back of his neck and she curled her fingers around it. His face pressed against her shoulder for a while longer before he reluctantly pulled away. His eyes were dry, though she half expected them not to be, and he shrugged.

"You look exhausted," she said kindly.

His lips quirked and he nodded, his gaze fixed on the floor.

"Go to bed. Come on."

She led him by the arm to his room and pulled back the bed which she had finished making only a few minutes earlier. She had also straightened his kitchen cupboards and alphabetized his CD collection in an attempt to keep her mind off worrying about him, but he could find that out later.

Matt fell into bed with a loud sigh. He was too tired to offer a protest when she removed his shoes and tucked his feet in. Taylor sat beside him and, after a wave of affection swept through her, she ran her fingers through his hair a few times. His eyes closed in response.

"I can stay if you'd like me to," she said.

"You don't have to."

"Nothing else going on today."

Matt murmured something incomprehensible which sounded almost like a purr as she continued combing through his hair. Suddenly his eyes snapped open and he looked at her, catching the loving expression on her face.

"Brunch. We were supposed to go to that stupid brunch with your friends."

"Now he remembers," she said teasingly.

Matt squeezed his eyes shut – it was the reason she'd spent the night. She was catching up with a group of college friends she hadn't seen in years, all of whom were married or attached, and she'd asked him to go with her. He had ribbed her about finally acknowledging his presence to her friends, and even though the get together sounded tedious in the extreme, he was still happy she'd asked.

"I completely forgot. We should go." He made a move to get up but her hand was on his chest, stopping him.

"It doesn't matter. We're already a couple of hours late."

Matt slumped back onto his pillow and rubbed his forehead. "I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it," she said with a light laugh when his guilty gaze met hers. "Some things are more important. But thank you for caring," she added.

"Of course I care," he said in a quiet voice, frowning up at her. A tense silence fell. "You know that, right?"

Taylor's hand immediately withdrew from his chest but he was quick to catch it in his own. She squirmed slightly with embarrassment over the way he was staring at her so intently. They had always avoided such conversations. So Taylor did the only thing she could and bent down to kiss him. His hand was soon tangled in her hair as he pulled her closer, his lips firm and needing. They could talk later.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

"What about during the day? Who's going to look after him then? You said yourself Matt works all kinds of crazy hours."

"Rosa will stay on as Liam's nanny. I've already arranged it with her."

"A nanny?"

"Liam loves Rosa."

"It's not the same, Jessica…"

Matt set his briefcase by the front door as heavily as he could so the women in the other room didn't think he was eavesdropping. He stepped into Jessica's living room to find her with her friends, Sally and Eva. Jessica was looking paler than she had that morning when he stopped by before work, but she smiled brightly at him over Liam who was snuggled into her lap.

"Hey, Matt," she said. "You're here."

"I got the vitamins you asked for," he said, holding up the drugstore bag.

"Thank you."

Matt glanced between the other two women but only received a smile from Eva. Her wife, Sally, was less than enthusiastic.

"Sally, Eva." Matt nodded at each of them. "Good to see you again."

"Hi Matt," said Eva. She subtly nudged Sally with her foot.

"Matt," Sally mumbled begrudgingly. "Just getting in from work?"

Matt smiled sarcastically. "I left early."

He didn't admit that at 7PM it was an early night. At least it was compared to his usual weekdays. For the past two months since Jessica's secondaries were confirmed he had reduced his hours. Jessica had made the necessary decisions about her care quickly and quietly. A nurse would be employed when it came to that, but for now she would self medicate with regular visits to her doctor.

During that time life was normal. Jessica masked her pain well and focused her energies on Liam. But that didn't stop Matt from being on hand to support her as much as he could. It meant the career momentum he had regained in the past year was waning. For once, Matt didn't care about junior partnerships or how many billable hours he could post in a week. He had to be there for Jessica instead.

"Do you want me to start dinner?" he asked Jessica, turning his back on Sally.

"We brought some organic pasta with us," Sally said sweetly. "Jessica's all taken care of."

"Okay. What about Liam, has he had his bath?"

"Rosa got him all ready for bed," Jessica said. She pressed her cheek against her son's soft, brown hair. "I'm just prolonging saying goodnight. But it's probably time he went down."

Without a word Matt stepped forward to take him, but Sally was immediately on her feet and reaching for Liam.

"Here, let me."

Jessica didn't have time to protest before Sally had lifted him into her arms.

"Say goodnight to mommy, Liam."

"I can take him, Sally," Matt interjected.

"They have this whole routine," said Jessica. "Let Matt take him."

Sally held Liam tightly while she narrowed her eyes at Matt, then reluctantly handed Liam over.

"Say bye-bye everyone," Matt said to him.

"Bye-bye," Liam repeated sleepily and waved his small hand.

Matt took his time settling Liam in and reading him a story. Jessica was often too tired at night to put him to bed so Matt got into the habit of doing it. Spending every evening at Jessica's curtailed his social life as well as his work, but he didn't want to be anywhere else. He didn't really discuss it with Taylor. She had never questioned him over his sudden absence from her life. They had purposely kept things casual between them so he wasn't surprised when she just accepted his new routine.

He could hear them talking about him again in the next room. Sally had never been comfortable with Jessica's decision to name Matt as Liam's guardian, and now that her health was deteriorating she had become more vocal. Sally and Eva had been close friends of Jessica and Donna for many years, and Sally believed they were better placed to look after the young boy. They could provide him with a home with two parents instead of one, and a support network of friends and family that Matt didn't have on hand. But Jessica was quietly insistent and tried in vain to shut down any talk of Liam's guardianship.

"You told me yourself, he's never had a long term relationship since you broke up with him in college. That was ten years ago!" Sally was saying as Matt returned to the living room.

Two sets of guilty eyes met his, but Sally was defiant.

"Liam's asleep," he commented casually, as if he had no idea what was going on. He took a seat beside Jessica and frowned at her obvious fatigue. "You feeling okay, Jess?"

"Just a little tired," she replied.

"You've been pushing yourself too hard," Eva said with concern.

"Yes, you should rest more. We'll take Liam for the weekend if you like. Give you a break," offered Sally.

"I don't need a break, Sal. I've got too much to do."

"Then let us help you," Sally said. "We're here for you, not just at night or on the weekend. Eva's only working part time, and I can work from home a few days a week if I need to. We're much better placed…"

"For what?" Matt couldn't help interjecting, which earned him a scowl from Sally and a sigh from Jessica.

"Fine, you want me to say it? I don't think you're the best choice to parent Liam," said Sally. "I'm sorry, Jessica, it's not like I wanted to have this conversation in front of him. But we may as well get it out in the open now."

"Sally, don't –" Eva started.

"Don't what? Tell the truth? What does he know about being a father, let alone a mother? Liam is only a year and a half old! He needs a stable environment, a loving home. We can provide him that, you know we can."

Matt said nothing, but anger began to simmer within him. He didn't care that Sally thought him incapable of looking after Liam. He hated the fact they had to have this conversation at all, that he had to be reminded of Jessica's prognosis and what it meant. He wasn't ready. He didn't know if he ever would be.

"I know he's your friend but come on!" Sally went on. "Are you really going to sit there and tell me that this man would provide a better home for your son than Eva and me? Since when did the idea of two women raising a child together become so distasteful to you?"

"Don't be ridiculous," Jessica said sharply. "You know it's not that."

"Then explain it to me, will you please?"

"Sally, I made my decision."

"Things have changed. Now you know for sure…" Sally bit back the rest of her words.

"That I'm not going to make it. Yes, I know," replied Jessica calmly. "But nothing has changed. Liam will go to Matt."

Sally let out an exasperated sigh, slumping against the back of the sofa. She ignored her wife's hand on her arm, still staring at Jessica in disbelief. Neither Eva nor Matt knew what to say to break the tension. Sally eventually sniffed and shrugged her shoulders.

"I don't know what else to say, Jessica. I love you, but you're making a mistake."

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

Sally waited to see if she would say anything else, but when Jessica remained passive she got up swiftly and headed for the door. Eva murmured an apology to them both before following her out.

"Well, that was fun," Matt commented. He looked over to Jessica to make a joke of how much Sally hated him, but she was clearly exhausted. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to hide a grimace of pain. "Jess?"

"I'm so tired, Matt," she whispered.

"I know," he replied, his feud with Sally immediately forgotten. "Come on, time for bed."

He helped her to her bedroom as he had done so many nights before, but it was different now. She was growing weaker and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

0 0 0 0

Jessica was sleeping more and more, and it was mid-morning a few weeks later when she woke to find Matt sitting beside her bed. He was barefoot, wearing jeans and an old band t-shirt she'd given him in college. He was engrossed in reading something that was resting in his lap, and she was surprised to see it was a ratty paperback from her bookshelf, not work.

"Hey," she croaked, her throat dry.

He looked up from his book and smiled, his blue eyes lighting up in a way she had not seem for some time. He had stopped looking at her that way since she'd stopped treatment. Always behind his eyes she could see his fear and sadness, but there was an odd but welcomed sense of peace in his gaze.

"Sleeping beauty awakes."

Jessica closed her eyes again as she smiled grimly at his choice of words. If she cared about her appearance anymore she knew she'd be horrified. Things were happening quickly, faster than either of them expected. Now a nurse was required to help her throughout the day, providing intravenous pain relief and the level of care she needed. She was often breathless and portable oxygen tanks were brought in. She could barely play with Liam anymore.

But it had never been so bad Matt didn't go to work. Without her having to ask he held a straw to her lips so she could sip a little water. The cold liquid helped her wake up and she settled back onto her pillow feeling slightly brighter. She knew the nurse must have been given her a decent morphine dose because she felt little pain.

"Aren't you supposed to be at work?" she asked when Matt sat back in his chair once more.

"You know I discovered the strangest thing," he said lightly. "Seems that when you work someplace for years you save up something called vacation time."

"You don't say."

"I know, crazy, right? So it turns out that when you don't take one of these so-called vacations in four years you find yourself with some free time on your hands."

"And you decided to spend that time with a dying woman. You're a barrel of laughs, Matthew Dowd."

She was relieved when he grinned at her dark words, the glint not fading from his eyes.

"It was either here or Hawaii. But, honestly, who could be bothered with all those tourists?"

Jessica closed her eyes and breathed deeply, pretending she smelled the salty spray of the sea rather than the oxygen from her nasal cannula. She had never especially loved the ocean but now, when she knew she would probably never visit a beach again, she found she missed it.

"I'll have to go for Hawaii, thanks, Johnny," she said, her eyes still closed.

"I'm where I want to be," replied Matt.

Jessica looked at him and smiled again. He took her outstretched hand, his fingers lacing with hers.

"I love you, Matt."

He chortled in his usual self deprecating way. "I know. I'm irresistible."

She squeezed his hand to let him know she meant it. It was then she saw the flicker of uncertainty on his face and his eyes dropped to the floor. Jessica was philosophical about death, but she hated talking about it because she would be leaving Liam. She had forced herself to talk to Matt about practical matters when it came to raising her son, but they had always shied away from discussing it at length. Matt had never admitted to her how petrified he was to become a parent, that he really was a fraud and had no idea if he was capable of it. It would be the biggest gamble of his life and he didn't know how to admit it to her.

"It's okay," she said, as if reading his mind. "You'll be okay."

His pleading gaze was immediately on hers. "How do you know?"

"Because I have faith."

Matt shook his head dumbly, unable to speak.

"Because I know you. You can handle anything."

He let out a long sigh, looking towards the ceiling as he blinked back tears, determined not to get upset in front of her.

"The thing is, Jess, I've always had you around. I don't know what I'm gonna do when you're not. It scares the hell out of me."

When he dared a look at her face again it was serene. The panic rising within him began to quiet as she held his gaze.

"I have faith in you," she said simply, and smiled.

Matt returned the expression though it pained him to do so, and bent to press his lips to her fingers.

0 0 0 0


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

He stayed by her side for four days. Within that time her lucid periods grew fewer and she slept fitfully as the pain intensified. Matt watched as the nurse carefully monitored her morphine dose, but he could tell there was little else to be done.

The hardest moments were when Jessica would cry out in agony, sometimes calling for her mother but more often than not she wanted Donna. Jessica had turned him down when he offered to get in contact with Donna, just after the cancer spread and the odds of her recovery looked grim. She had already tried a few times prior to that but there was no response, and when Donna did not call for Liam's first birthday Jessica decided there was no hope.

But now, as he listened to her semi-conscious ramblings that were filled with devastation over losing the love of her life, Matt knew what he had to do.

He was going to call the investigator they used at work in order to track Donna down, but on a whim he checked the Dayton online White Pages in case she was listed. To his surprise, she was. Matt looked in on Jessica who was sleeping a little more soundly than usual after her pain meds, and told the nurse he was heading out for a while.

He dialed Donna's number once he was outside the apartment block, realizing how warm it was in the sun after being indoors for days. Matt raised his face towards the sky and basked in it while his cell rang. At the slight crackle of connection he was immediately focused.

"Hello?"

He recognized her voice at once. "Donna? It's Matt Dowd."

"Matt…" There was a long silence during which he held his breath. Finally she said, "What do you want?"

"It's Jess. She doesn't know I'm calling, but I thought you should know…" he stopped, wishing he'd prepared what he was going to say before calling so impetuously. "Jess is sick."

There was another pause. "I'm sorry to hear that," she said quietly.

"She's really sick, Donna. She has cancer. She's been in treatment for months and she fought hard but it's aggressive…" The words were suddenly thick in his throat. "She's not going to make it."

When Donna said nothing Matt gripped the phone tighter. "Donna, did you hear me? Jess is dying."

"I'm sorry," came the soft reply, barely a whisper. "I'll pray for her."

"Fuck prayer, Donna, she wants to see you. She needs you."

"I don't… I can't."

"What about Liam?" Matt said wildly. "What about your son?"

"I don't have a son." The line went silent but he could hear her breathing. "I'm getting married next month."

"Congratulations, I don't give a fuck. Jess needs you."

"Listen, Matt, I have to go. Please tell Jessica I'll pray she gets better."

"Donna, wait–"

"Please don't call here again."

After she had hung up Matt stared at the cell phone, burning with anger. It took several minutes for him to calm down and start regretting how he'd spoken to her. Maybe she just needed time for it to sink in and she'd suddenly appear on Jessica's doorstep the next morning to lend her support. But Matt knew she wouldn't. Donna had been careful to sever all ties to her old lifestyle in San Francisco in order to make a new life for herself.

Matt felt like he had failed his best friend by not being able to give her what she really wanted.

His cell phone suddenly buzzed to life and his hopes rose in spite of himself. But the display showed Taylor's name.

"Hey," he said, unable to keep the disappointment from his voice.

"Hey. Are you alright?"

"Yeah."

"Jessica?"

"The same."

He guessed she was calling him between clients, realizing it was only the middle of the afternoon on a Thursday.

"Can I do anything?"

Matt sighed, unable to bring himself to answer such an inane question, though it was meant well. No one could do anything to change what was going to happen.

"I better go, I left Jess alone for a few minutes while I made a call."

"Oh, okay," said Taylor and he could hear the veiled hurt in her voice. "Call me if you… Call me."

"Okay."

"I m–"

Matt snapped his phone shut and hadn't heard her. His eyes traveled up the side of Jessica's building and suddenly he didn't want to go back upstairs. He shoved the phone into his pocket and kept his eyes on the ground as he walked away.

0 0 0 0

He returned an hour later with groceries, determined never to tell Jessica that he'd gotten in contact with Donna. Liam's nanny, a kindly middle-aged woman named Rosa, offered to fix him dinner before she left for the day but he refused. She left early on Thursdays so she could watch her daughter's softball game. Matt would look after Liam.

He usually tried to spend that time with Jessica too – the three of them together – but as her health deteriorated the sight of her began to upset Liam, who was not yet two years old. He opted to take the boy to the nearby park instead, happy to be back out in the fresh air himself.

Liam still didn't spontaneously talk much, but he observed everything. Matt often wondered what went on in his small mind as he discovered the world around him. The park was his favorite, and he started babbling brightly as they approached the playground. School was out so children ran around everywhere, screaming with laughter as they chased each other or competed for the swings, while parents half-watched as they chatted among themselves. Matt found a corner of the sandpit and unbuckled Liam from his stroller. As soon as he deposited the boy on the ground he ran to the sand and began playing gleefully. Matt grinned as he watched.

"They're adorable at this age, aren't they?" said a voice behind him.

Matt turned to see a pretty woman with bobbed blond hair walk up beside him. She nodded to a little girl, older than Liam, who also dug in the loose white sand. "Caitlin only likes this sandbox. The one at home just isn't the same, she says."

"Quality of the sand, maybe?" Matt offered.

"Maybe. I might have to stop by in the dead of night and steal some."

"I wish you hadn't told me that. I'm a cop," he replied.

When she laughed and touched his arm he caught himself. What was he doing? Flirting? He turned his attention back to Liam, but he knew the woman was looking at him.

"Your son's adorable," she said. Her tone was friendly, but he could hear the undercurrent in her voice. He'd heard it countless times before.

"He's not mine. I'm just looking after him for a friend." Again, he answered automatically, then realized how quickly that was going to change.

"Lucky friend."

Matt didn't say anything else. He squatted beside Liam to help him pile up some sand. The boy giggled as he smashed his hand down on the mound and his fingers disappeared. Matt's smile was tinged with sadness as he thought about Jessica. Liam was all she ever wanted and she would never see him grow up. He was more upset about the injustice of that than thinking about being a parent himself. Even though she was dying, even though he knew with certainty it was going to happen, it didn't seem real. He couldn't imagine what it was going to be like looking after Liam every day. Matt would just cross that bridge when he came to it. Or leap off it, was probably a better descriptor.

Caitlin's mother was soon gathering up her daughter and telling her that daddy would be home soon. Matt glanced up at her and wondered if her husband knew she made eyes at other men at the park.

"Maybe we'll see you around, if you look after your friend's boy again," she said. "Unless you come arrest me some night."

Matt knew he was probably a little out of practice, having been with only Taylor for some time, but this woman was pretty blatant. He wondered if he came across that way to women he picked up. Grimacing, he realized he probably did. Matt smiled awkwardly at her and breathed a sigh of relief when she was gone.

"Bah!" Liam said as he pounded the sand again.

"I couldn't agree more, kid," said Matt.

0 0 0 0

Matt slept late the next morning. He'd been up most of the night with Jessica and tossed fitfully on the couch after that. Still, he was surprised that Rosa arriving had not woken him, or the nurses changing shifts as they did at seven each morning. It was past 8AM when he woke from the sun streaming in through the living room window.

Rosa had taken Liam for their usual morning walk so the apartment was quiet as he used the bathroom and splashed water on his face to wake himself up. He studied his face in the mirror as the water dripped off the end of his nose. His eyes were bloodshot and he looked haggard. Matt guessed he had slept only a few hours every night for a week and it was taking its toll.

He opted for a quick shower and shave before he checked on Jessica so he would appear half-way presentable. The hot water helped loosen his aching back muscles and he felt almost human again when he emerged from the steaming bathroom. Stopping by the kitchen to pour himself a large mug of coffee, he looked up to see the night nurse, Cora, walking towards him.

"Still here? Where's Alice?" he asked. It was only then that he took notice of the expression on her face.

"Matt, she's gone. Early this morning."

He set the mug down, splashing hot coffee on his hand. His eyes were wide with shock.

"What?"

An experienced hospice nurse, Cora's tone was even and compassionate. "A few hours ago… she went in her sleep."

Matt's mouth gaped as he struggled to comprehend her words.

"But I was just talking to her last night. She was the same," he said eventually, his voice weak.

"I know, honey. But she's at peace now."

He swallowed hard, looking past Cora's shoulder to Jessica's bedroom door.

"Why didn't you wake me up?" he asked, suddenly angry.

"There was nothing you could have done."

"I could have been with her!" he snapped.

"She wouldn't have known," Cora replied calmly.

"I would have!" Then Matt's voice dropped to no more than a whisper. "I should have been with her."

"You can go sit with her now if you like. I've called the doctor and he'll be here soon."

Matt looked at her, panic beginning to show on his face. Cora stepped around the kitchen counter to give his arm a squeeze before ushering him gently in the direction of the bedroom. She left him at the doorway, giving him some privacy.

He stood just inside her room, peering through the dim light. The shades were drawn almost all the way and he had to give his eyes a few seconds to adjust. He glanced around the room, delaying looking at her for as long as possible, then his gaze fell on the shape in the bed. A sheet had been drawn up to Jessica's chin and her oxygen tubing removed. Her face seemed shrunken and sallow against the white linen, her mouth slightly open. But it was the stillness of her body that struck him forcibly. He had spent hours by her bedside as she slept, the only movement the rise and fall of her chest. But now she was as unmoving as stone and he couldn't look at her anymore. It wasn't Jessica. She was gone.

Matt backed out of the room and was out of the front door without even pausing to put on his shoes. He stopped in his tracks outside the apartment building, suddenly frozen to the spot. He looked right and left, trying to think where they would have gone. He decided to try the direction of the park first.

He ran down the pavement, not feeling the rough surface under his bare feet. By the time he had gone a few blocks he could feel his chest tightening and his breathing growing heavier. He hadn't run so hard in years. He paused on the corner momentarily to catch his breath when he saw Rosa pushing Liam's stroller out the gates of the playground. He jogged the distance between them and drew to a stop.

Rosa's eyes were red and brimming with tears but Liam wore the same curious expression he did whenever he was taken for a walk. He grinned happily when he saw Matt.

"Hey, little man," Matt said. He was surprised how normal his voice sounded to his ears. "Come here."

He picked the boy up and hugged him close. Rosa shed fresh tears and fumbled for a handkerchief.

"That poor girl," she moaned and wiped at her eyes.

Matt cradled Liam's head against his shoulder. He knew the boy was too young to understand what had happened but even so Liam was sensitive to others' emotions. Matt shifted him to his side.

"Come on, let's go home," he said quietly.

Matt carried him while Rosa trailed behind pushing the stroller.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

The next couple of days passed in a blur. There were endless phone calls and tearful friends of Jessica's who stopped by her apartment unannounced. It was difficult to keep Liam's routine with all the visitors but Matt and Rosa did their best. Before the funeral they packed up a few bags of his clothes and toys and, along with his bedroom furniture, moved them back to Matt's place. That at least took care of most of the visitors. They hadn't bothered to find out where he lived from Jessica and Matt was smart enough not to be listed.

His parents arrived and took up residence in his other spare room. He was grateful for their presence, for the indulgent mothering way his mom lavished attention on Liam, and for the quiet, stoic way his dad comforted him over his loss.

Jessica had been adamant about not having a stuffy funeral where people read poems and sang hymns. Instead a gathering was planned at Jessica's favorite bistro hang out and her remains would be cremated without ceremony.

He didn't want to take Liam to the wake, so instead his parents took the boy out for the afternoon. Matt dressed slowly in his suit and a blue tie that Jessica had given him, dreading facing all her friends, many of whom still resented the fact that he had been named Liam's guardian.

When he arrived at the bistro he saw the sign reading 'Closed for private function' and wanted to run in the other direction. But he took a deep breath and pushed through the door. He recognized few of the people inside. Those he did barely acknowledged him. Only Eva made a beeline for him and gave him a teary hug.

"You didn't bring him?" she asked.

"No."

Eva seemed to understand and said no more. She disappeared to get him a glass of wine, leaving him standing alone once more. Matt wondered what he was doing there, when he knew Jessica didn't care about such rituals. He wished he'd gone to the beach with his parents and Liam instead. Then he saw Taylor.

She walked towards him, smiling decorously when his face registered surprise. He had called her only once since Jessica died, just to let her know. He hadn't told her about the wake or where it was being held, figuring he might as well spare her.

Taylor kissed his cheek and drew him into a hug. He held on tight for several long moments, unprepared for how much he had missed her. She was exactly the same – the way she looked, the way she smelled, the way she fit in his arms. He couldn't believe she was the same when everything else in his life had been turned upside down.

Taylor stood back and smiled again as she brushed her hands down his suit lapels.

"I called the apartment and spoke to your mom," she explained before he asked what she was doing there. "We wanted to be here for you."

Matt looked up to see that his assistant, Lauren, was there behind Taylor, along with Eli and Maggie. His chest swelled with gratitude.

"Thanks for coming," he told them, then his gaze fell back on Taylor. He reached out to take her hand and held it firmly in his.

The five of them spent the next hour together. Jessica's friends had little interaction with him. Sally made a speech and showed a slideshow of photographs of Jessica. They were taken during the last few years, all judiciously edited so Donna didn't appear in any of them. Matt thought it a shame that they hadn't asked him for any photos of Jessica in her earlier years, but then he realized Sally probably didn't care much for pictures of the two of them together when they dated at college.

They didn't ask him to speak and, though he was the closest thing Jessica had to family, Matt was relieved. He had no idea what he would say if they had. How do you sum up a life that was only half lived? How do you make sense of a new mother being denied seeing her son grow to adulthood? Not making a speech meant he could escape as soon as he was able to slip out unnoticed by Sally. Before he could do so Eva cornered him for his address so they could come and visit Liam.

Matt loosened his tie as soon as he stepped outside the bistro, thankful it was over. Lauren assured him that everything was alright back at the office and that Keith Bennett and a couple of the other associates were looking after his cases. She excused herself to return to WPK, leaving Taylor, Eli and Maggie.

"Do you need a hand with anything?" Eli asked after a nudge from Maggie. "Packing up… moving, that sort of thing?"

"I'm set. Thank you, though. And thanks for coming. You didn't have to." He shook Eli's hand. Matt was sincere in his gratitude. Eli had once, when they first started at WPK, been the closest thing he had to a friend at the firm. It was only in later years that competitiveness made them rivals.

"We're here if you need us," Maggie said before pecking him swiftly on the cheek. She and Eli bid their goodbyes too, then caught up with Lauren who was waiting for a cab.

Taylor stood a few feet away, watching him carefully. Matt felt compelled to lighten the mood.

"Well, aren't they just a darling couple?" he said, tossing a glance towards Maggie and Eli.

"Adorable," she agreed grimly, not breaking her gaze. He could see the worry in her eyes but he wasn't ready to open up to her about what he was feeling. He barely knew himself.

"Do you have to get back to the office too?" he asked.

"No, I'm taking the afternoon off."

"Playing hooky? Daddy won't be pleased if he finds out."

She ignored his tone. "He knows where I am."

"Really?" Matt's eyebrows raised in surprise. "I thought I was an undesirable commodity when it came to his princess."

Taylor rolled her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I thought you might like some company," she tried again.

"I don't think I'm very good company at the present time."

"I don't care. I'm here."

He sighed, deciding whether or not to burden her with everything that was going on in his life. She hadn't signed up for a relationship, let alone a kid. He didn't expect her to stick around, nor did he know how to handle it if she did. For now, he would just be thankful for the fact that she was there.

"Did you bring your car?" he asked.

"Yes."

"I have to go pick up Jessica's ashes."

"Okay," Taylor replied only a little hesitantly. "I'll drive."

"Thanks."

They walked the block to her car in silence. But as they did Taylor slipped her hand into his once more.

0 0 0 0

Matt led the way through his front door, holding it open with his elbow for Taylor. His keys landed in their usual spot and he nudged on the lights. He didn't know what to do with the plain wooden box in his hands. Matt had asked Jessica about it once, tried to find out if she wanted her ashes scattered someplace she loved, or buried in a garden. But she never had a chance to tell him. Matt thought they had more time. Now he was stuck with a box. For now he found a spot on his bookshelf well out of reach of a toddler's hands.

Taylor was casting her eyes around his living room, taking in Liam's toys which were scattered on the floor, when he returned from the kitchen.

"No coffee, sorry. We'll have to settle for beer." He handed her a bottle and fell onto the couch with his own. As he sank into the leather he sighed tiredly.

Taylor perched on an armchair, not interested in the beer. "How's Liam settling in?"

Matt took a long drink, more as a delay tactic. He was too caught up in his own thoughts to want to have a conversation. But he knew if he didn't talk she would probably leave. For all that he wasn't ready to get into things, Matt knew he didn't want that.

"He's okay. He's a good kid," Matt said. He looked at the bottle in his hands then deposited it on the coffee table. "He asks for her. He wants his mom."

"That's understandable. What did you tell him?"

Matt's eyes were downcast. He shrugged his shoulders before answering. "That she's gone away. Jess didn't really believe in God so it seems hypocritical to tell him she's gone to heaven."

"I think he's a few years away from understanding hypocrisy," Taylor replied gently, but Matt frowned at her.

"What am I supposed to say?" he countered.

Taylor paused, uncertain. "I don't know."

Matt sighed again, not wanting to be defensive.

"Maybe I should go," said Taylor. "You probably want some peace and quiet."

"Of course." He smiled to himself, knowing he'd successfully managed to push her away. He sat where he was, not even trying to stop her. It would hardly be fair on her.

Before she had a chance to get out of her seat they heard a key in the door and Matt's parents returned with Liam. There was a bustle of activity as his father came into the living room, his arms laden with bags and beach toys. His mother followed with Liam in her arms, struggling as he squirmed against her.

"Ugh, here we are," she said, setting Liam on the floor. She looked up to see Taylor. "Oh, hello."

Matt got up to scoop Liam into a hug. The boy pushed against his chest, clearly over tired from his afternoon at the beach.

"Worn out, buddy?" Matt said, persevering in holding him as Liam rubbed at his eyes. "Did you have a good time?"

"We had a great time, didn't we Liam?" his mother said. She looked pointedly at her son. "Matthew, aren't you going to introduce us?"

Matt looked over at Taylor who was also on her feet.

"Oh, right. Taylor, these are my parents, Ray and Helen. Mom, Dad – Taylor Wethersby."

"It's nice to meet you both," Taylor said with a genuine smile, stepping forward to shake both their hands. She remembered Ray's kind face from the photograph in Matt's office, and his mother seemed just as friendly.

"Taylor, we spoke on the phone, didn't we?" Helen asked. "You're Matt's friend from work."

"That's right."

"Oh, aren't you beautiful?" she said, taking hold of Taylor's hand again and giving it a pat. "Isn't she beautiful, Ray?"

"Alright, Mom," Matt interrupted.

"You didn't tell us how gorgeous she is, Matthew. And a lawyer?"

"And this is where we change the topic of conversation," Matt said smoothly to avoid any further embarrassment for himself or Taylor. "I'm gonna give Liam a bath before he crashes."

"We can do that, can't we, Ray? You have company," she said to Matt. She held out her arms for Liam.

"Mom, it's fine…"

"Nonsense, you and Taylor go on with what you were doing. We'll sort Liam out. Won't we?" she said animatedly for Liam's sake. "Come on then!"

"I haven't bathed a child in almost thirty years," Ray mumbled as Helen passed Liam over to him. She bustled ahead to the bathroom.

"Sorry about that," Matt said when they were gone.

Taylor grinned. "It's okay. They're great."

Matt smiled back at her. He was relieved his parents had come to visit and could hardly be annoyed at his mother for the glint in her eye when she saw Taylor. He hadn't told them much about her, but he'd said enough that his mom had gleaned something was going on between them.

"So, I should go and leave you to it," Taylor said, but this time the mood was lighter between them.

Matt opened his mouth to speak but then his mother reappeared, wiping her hands on a towel. Her face was full of anticipation.

"You're staying for dinner, aren't you Taylor? We're having my special chicken."

"Mom, Taylor has to go," Matt said quickly so she didn't have to make up an excuse.

"Really? That's such a shame. We haven't had a chance to get to know you."

"Oh well," Taylor stammered. "I don't want to intrude on your time together…"

"Don't be silly. Now's the time for friends as well as family. Please stay."

Taylor glanced at Matt in case he didn't want her there, but he didn't look like he minded.

"Sure, I'd love to," Taylor replied, causing Helen to beam.

"Wonderful. Matthew, set that oven. We'll be done in here shortly."

Helen disappeared in to the bathroom again. Matt shook his head at Taylor.

"Are you crazy?" he asked. "You should have escaped while you had the chance."

"Go turn the oven on, Matthew," she replied, giving him a slight shove. She felt happy when she saw the smile reappear on his face. Given the day he'd had it made her hopeful that the old Matt wasn't too far from the surface. She missed him.

0 0 0 0

As it turned out, Matt needn't have worried. Dinner was actually quite pleasant. His mother managed to tone down her inquisition of Taylor and kept the embarrassing stories from his childhood to a minimum.

They didn't talk about Jessica's wake. In fact, they didn't talk about her at all. Taylor wasn't sure if it was because his parents sensed he didn't want to discuss it, or if it was too painful for them too. She knew from Matt how much they had cared for Jessica. Instead Helen told them how much Liam had loved the beach, and the plans they had to take him back before they returned to Santa Barbara at the end of the week.

Taylor learned that Matt got his sense of humor from his mother and his quiet resolve from his father. She found herself sharing details of her life that she hadn't even told Matt yet. They chatted for hours over dinner and coffee, but Taylor was still surprised when she glanced at her watch and saw that it was approaching eleven o'clock. Liam had long been asleep, and Ray was stifling a series of yawns. She got up to help Matt clear the table and, after a swift, wordless exchange between his parents, they announced they were going to bed.

"Dinner was lovely, Helen," Taylor said after depositing the plates in the kitchen.

"Thank you, sweetheart. I'm so glad we got to meet you properly. Matt's a lucky man." She patted Taylor's hand again.

"Oh." Taylor blushed slightly, wondering just what she knew about their comfortable if undefined relationship.

"We'll see you before we go, I hope?"

"Sure," Taylor replied, unsure what else to say.

"Night all," said Ray with a wave of his hand as he passed by.

Helen stepped into the kitchen to kiss Matt's cheek and give him a comforting hug. She didn't have to say anything to him about Jessica, her sympathy and understanding went unspoken. Matt forced a smile in gratitude. Taylor turned away to gather more from the table and to give them a moment alone.

"She's a keeper, Matthew, that's all I'll say," murmured Helen as an aside.

Matt led her away from the kitchen. "Yes, and she has pretty good hearing too, so why don't we talk about this some other time."

Helen smiled indulgently and called out goodnight to Taylor, who'd heard every word. Matt returned to the dining room with only a hint of color on his cheeks.

"I like your mom," Taylor said which, even though it was the truth, was mainly to annoy him.

"She's a peach."

They cleared the rest of the table in a companionable silence, but Matt put a stop to any more cleaning up.

"I'll do it later," he said. "Beer?"

Though it was late and she had work in the morning, Taylor knew he wouldn't offer if he didn't want her to stay. Maybe he needed it too. She accepted a bottle. They walked out onto on his balcony, enjoying the warm night air with just a hint of breeze that made it refreshing.

"A toast?" Taylor said, holding out her beer.

Matt hesitated only slightly before clinking his bottle against it. "To Jess," he said quietly.

"To Jess."

They both took a swig of beer. Matt's mood was immediately contemplative.

"Thank you for staying tonight," he said after a long pause.

"I'm glad I did. Your mother promised to send me the photo of you in the cowboy chaps."

"I'll remind you again I was three at the time. I didn't know you were supposed to put pants on under them."

Taylor smiled as she brought the beer to her lips again.

"You're going to call me pardner at work now, aren't you?" he asked ruefully.

"It might come to that."

They shared a grin.

"When are you coming back do you think?" she asked, trying to keep the hint of hope from her voice. She didn't want to put him under any extra pressure, but she was looking forward to having him around the office again. It wasn't the same without him.

"I still have a couple weeks vacation. I didn't think…" Matt stopped himself. He had known Jessica's time was near when he took his leave, but he thought he would have more time with her. Instead he had the next two weeks to get Liam settled in his new home, just the two of them. His parents were going back to work and he couldn't make them stay any longer, much as he would have liked to.

"Are you okay?" she asked gently.

He sniffed in response. "I'll be fine. I have to be, right?"

Taylor nodded slightly, not knowing what else to say. She had been surprised when Matt had agreed to be Liam's guardian because raising a child seemed so incongruous with what he wanted out of life. She didn't doubt he could do it – Matt was capable at most things, and downright exceptional at some. But he lived life the way he wanted, focused on the things that were important to him, and it was only by sheer good fortune that Taylor was in a place in her life where she wanted the same things. It was the only reason they were together, that much she knew. Taylor was unsure what would happen now his priorities were forced to change literally overnight.

"Liam's a good kid," she said.

"Yeah, he is." Matt smiled at the thought of him. "Here's hoping I don't screw it up."

He raised his beer bottle again but she didn't toast him this time.

"You were great with him tonight. Thank you," Matt went on quickly, covering his own uncertainty. "He was pretty grumpy because he was so tired."

"He was fine," Taylor assured him. "I don't have a lot of experience with kids but he's pretty great."

"I'm glad you think so. Want to get married?"

Taylor half-choked on the beer she was swallowing and looked up to catch the joking expression on his face. He smiled apologetically.

"You're hilarious," she replied.

"Well, the kid needs a mom…" Matt stopped, unable to keep the joke going. He had been trying to avoid thinking about Jessica but it was becoming increasingly hard. He swallowed with difficulty, feeling the emotion wash over him that he'd been keeping at bay for days.

"Matt, it's okay," said Taylor. She set her beer on the table and did the same to his. Though he was studiously avoiding her gaze she ducked her eyes to catch his and then smiled reassuringly at him. Taylor wrapped her arms around him and held him tightly.

He held onto her, drawing her even closer. The ache in his chest grew worse as he struggled to keep it together.

"God, I miss her," he managed to whisper eventually.

"I know."

Taylor held on and didn't let go. She wasn't prepared for how much his grief affected her. He had never really needed her before, but she felt his desperation as he clung to her. She couldn't help that it frightened her a little. Carefully she peeled herself away, not wanting to embarrass him. She gently wiped his cheeks and tried not to look into his reddened, unfocused eyes. Taylor kissed him tenderly. Words would not suffice.

With his forehead resting against hers, Matt took a few deep breaths to compose himself.

"You'd better go," he said. "I don't think my mom could contain herself if she found you here in the morning. She'd be registering us at Bed, Bath and Beyond before you could blink."

"Hmm, I need some new towels," Taylor replied lightly.

He smiled faintly as he pressed his lips against hers again.

Matt walked her down to her car, their arms hung loosely around each other's waists. Neither of them spoke. She had already opened her car door and was about to get inside when his hand caught hers.

"Thank you for staying, for being here today," he said numbly. "I don't know…"

"It's okay," she replied so he didn't have to clarify. "Anytime."

She gave him a last smile which faded when he tucked a blond curl behind her ear with the gentlest of touches.

"I'll see you." Matt stepped back so she could get into her car.

She hoped he couldn't see the way her fingers fumbled with the key inside the darkened vehicle before she drove away.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

Matt slipped out of the WPK elevator behind a couple of junior associates. He kept his head down to avoid having to converse with any of his colleagues. He knew he stood out in his jeans and casual shirt in amongst all the suits, but he had left his apartment in a hurry while Liam was napping and wanted to be back before he woke up.

"Hey," he said, nodding to Lauren who was waiting for him near the elevator. She had a small wad of messages in hand and started to relate the more urgent ones while they walked the rest of the way to his office. Once there he went straight to a filing cabinet to retrieve Jessica's file which contained much of her estate information.

"The Malcolms depo is this afternoon if you want to talk to Keith," Lauren said as she stacked up some extra case files that had been left scattered on his desk. "Do you want me to call him?"

"I'm sure he's got it under control," replied Matt. He wasn't much interested in his caseload. After only a few weeks away from the office and after everything that had happened he found it hard to think back to the details of the Malcolms case. "But can you call Eli? See if he's got five minutes for me."

"Sure," said Lauren. "Anything else?"

"Nope." Matt didn't look up from the file in his hands. Lauren waited for a moment in case he changed his mind, then left to make the call.

As Matt sifted through the paperwork on Jessica's estate he started organizing his thoughts. There were forms to file, loose ends to tie up, and soon Jessica's affairs would be settled. Even though they had access to all the legal help they needed and had prepared everything before she died, it seemed far too easy.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw a flash of movement. "Is he free?"

"Who?"

Matt looked up to see Jordan standing in his doorway. He got to his feet automatically.

"Sorry, sir, I thought you were Lauren."

"Perhaps the pink tie was a mistake," Jordan said dryly. "I told Ellen as much."

"No, it's uh, very becoming." Matt smiled weakly, suddenly wishing he'd bothered to put on a suit before coming in.

Jordan looked similarly uncomfortable. He took stepped inside the office, glancing around before fixing his gaze on Matt.

"I saw you arrive and wanted to pay my condolences. I heard about your friend's passing."

"Thank you, sir."

"Taylor's told me about her son… how you'll be looking after him."

"She named me his guardian." Matt looked down at his desk at the open file, feeling increasingly uncomfortable.

"It's a noble gesture, what you're doing. It can't be easy," said Jordan.

Matt looked up sharply, trying to catch any double meaning in his boss's words. "It won't interfere with my work, sir, if that's a concern."

"It's not." Jordan stopped, choosing his words carefully as he always did. "But don't underestimate the changes you'll have to make, Mr. Dowd. It's a lesson all parents have to learn."

Matt looked down again. He wasn't used to being referred to as a parent. It sounded preposterous and yet it was real – Liam was waiting for him at home with his mother and father.

"I remember before Taylor was born I thought everything would go on as normal," Jordan continued solemnly. "It changes you. It changes you as a man. To know that this small person – so perfect and innocent – is your responsibility. You determine what kind of person he'll become, he'll look to you to be his guide. When Taylor was born… suffice it to say I haven't been the same since."

"Well, that doesn't add more pressure at all," murmured Matt after letting out a long breath.

Jordan's mouth twitched in a half-smile. "I suppose in my own way I'm trying to prepare you for what's to come, as much as anyone can prepare you. But know that you are supported, Matt. WPK has generous paternity leave – you should take the time you need with your son."

Matt didn't know what was more disturbing – Jordan Wethersby calling him by his first name or using the words 'your son' to describe Liam.

"Thank you, sir. But I'll be back in a couple of weeks as planned."

"Very well, Mr. Dowd," Jordan said, before walking to the door. "Good luck."

"Sir?" Matt waited until Jordan turned around. "I happen to think you did an exceptional job with Taylor. If I can raise Liam half as well I'll be a happy man."

A look crossed Jordan's – a mixture of pride at the compliment and distaste at being reminded of Matt's connection to his daughter. But he smiled as graciously as he could before leaving.

Lauren waited until Jordan had gone before ducking her head inside his door to let him know that Eli was able to see him then. Matt nodded and collected up Jessica's paperwork. He made his way upstairs to the pro bono division that Eli now ran. He had a few junior associates to oversee, including Maggie when she wasn't assisting elsewhere. Their caseload was huge – far bigger than anyone had anticipated – and Matt could see the team was swamped. But Eli seemed to thrive on the chaos and grinned at him when he knocked on his door.

"I love what you've done with the place," Matt commented as he took in the piles of paperwork that littered Eli's desk and meeting table.

"It's been a little hectic since the summer interns left," admitted Eli with a wave of his hand.

"Jordan won't give you any more staff?"

"I'm surprised I have the ones I do. I don't really feel like pushing my luck."

"Well, you had your chance. You could've been his son-in-law by now. Bet you would've had all the staff you could handle then."

Eli ignored him and gestured for him to sit down.

"How're you doing?" he asked.

"Okay. I guess," Matt replied.

"Liam settling in at your place?"

"My mom's spoiling him rotten."

"That's good." The two men looked awkwardly at each other, neither knowing what else to say by way of small talk.

"So," said Matt to break the silence. "The guardianship order..."

"Of course." Eli pulled the file out of a cabinet and rounded his desk to take a seat next to Matt. "There are some other things in here for you too. Things Jessica asked me to hold onto."

Matt raised an eyebrow in surprise.

"There were a few letters she asked me to send, including one to her stepfather who we had to track down. But the rest of them she wanted you to have."

Eli handed him a small wad of envelopes with Liam's name on them and a number.

"They're letters for his birthday – right up until his eighteenth," said Eli.

Matt turned one over in his hand. It was sealed. "I didn't even know she wrote these."

Eli said nothing, giving him a moment to take it in. Matt eventually looked over at him.

"Were there any other letters?"

"No." When a flash of disappointment appeared on Matt's face, Eli frowned. "Should there have been?"

"No, I guess not." He shrugged it off, feeling petty. He'd had plenty of conversations with Jessica towards the end to say everything they needed to – he didn't need a letter as well. Plus, he felt pretty crappy being jealous of a baby.

Eli handed him the file with the paperwork on Jessica's guardianship order.

"We've already filed it with the Department of Social Services. They'll be in contact about the home visit, then they'll set the hearing."

"How long?"

"Should only be a few months."

Matt nodded. He knew it all, had done the research, but now it was happening.

"Are you ready for all this?" Eli asked.

"As ready as I'll ever be," said Matt. "Although Jordan just finished telling me you can never be prepared for being a parent so maybe I'm deluding myself."

"Jordan, huh? I didn't know the two of you were that close."

Matt couldn't miss an opportunity to needle Eli. It was instinctual. "Well, like I said, you had your chance to be his son-in-law."

"Is there something you want to tell me about you and my ex?"

Matt laughed humorlessly. "Not even if there were something to tell."

"Fair enough," said Eli with a faint smile. "Do you need anything else?"

Matt closed the file and picked up the letters from Eli's desk. "I'm all set. But I'd better get back home. Thanks for looking after this."

"No problem." Eli joined Matt when he stood up and followed him to the door. Not sure what else to do, he shook Matt's hand.

Matt made it almost all the way back to his office when Taylor joined him, matching his stride.

"I heard you were here," she commented.

"You're not the only one. So much for laying low," he replied, but he was pleased to see her. He'd decided to spare her from subsequent evenings with his parents and hadn't spoken with her for a few days, something that was growing increasingly harder, he discovered.

She said nothing more until they were behind his closed door, waiting while he organized a few more files and folders on his desk. She watched him until he finally looked up and caught her staring.

"Your parents must be leaving soon," she said, momentarily flustered when she couldn't think what to say.

"Tomorrow," he said.

She didn't miss the regret in his voice. "I guess you're busy tonight, then."

Matt started reading through a few final messages, not paying much attention. "Uh huh."

Taylor said nothing more, but it took Matt almost a minute to realize she was waiting for him again, however patiently. He sighed softly.

"Sorry."

"It's okay." She smiled warmly. "I won't keep you… I just wanted to see how you were."

"I barely know anymore. I just met with Eli about the guardianship order. And your father stopped by."

A frown flickered on her brow. "He did?"

"And this morning I said goodbye to the Porsche. I'm now in possession of a soccer mom car."

Taylor hid her smile. "Now that I have to see."

It wasn't quite as bad as he made it sound – the brand new Mercedes Benz M-Class in his parking spot had every available feature installed – but Matt still eyed it with a measure of dissatisfaction.

"You're very responsible," she said reassuringly, being careful not to mock him. "And don't look at all like a soccer mom."

Matt dumped a briefcase full of files in the back next to Liam's car seat and turned around to face her. He smiled briefly, not really believing her, but was ready to forgive when she pressed up against him and kissed him.

"I have to go to Toddler Gym," he said when she pulled away only her lips. His hands still rested on her hips, keeping her close.

"What?" she asked, amused.

"Toddler Gym. Apparently it's something you have to do on a Saturday morning. And swimming classes. I'm told it's never too young to teach a kid how to swim. Then there's Music Jamboree. I don't even want to know what that is."

"I'm sure you'll work it out. You'll be fine."

Matt sighed and kissed her again before pushing her away gently.

"I have to go. He'll be awake soon."

Taylor nodded, biting her lower lip. She waited as he got into his new car and the engine purred to life. He lowered the window, leaning an elbow against the door and looking a little like a soccer mom, but Taylor said nothing.

"It was good to see you," he said.

"I'm here," she reminded him.

Matt contemplated asking her to come for dinner. His mother had been suggesting as much for days. But in the end he smiled half-heartedly at her and backed the car out. He didn't look back as he drove away. It was easier that way.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

It was easier when he wasn't working, even though he continued to miss Jessica and had no idea what the next day might bring. But once Matt returned to WPK he really began to understand the juggling act of working and looking after a child. He had a mountain of case files and clients requiring his attention but he wanted to be home each night to feed Liam dinner and put him to bed. He would end up leaving the office earlier than usual and then return to his files at night once Liam was asleep.

At least on the weekend he was able to spend more time with the active toddler. He had to, with no nanny on duty. Matt dutifully enrolled in all the activities he felt he was supposed to, so Saturday and Sunday were spent going from class to class until they were both exhausted.

Then there was the home visit from the Department of Social Services to prepare for. Eli stopped by his office a fortnight after Matt's return to work in order to give him the notification of the visit which was scheduled for a few weeks time. Matt had been eating lunch and poring over real estate flyers when he read the letter and suddenly had no more appetite.

"It'll be fine. Just make sure the place is baby-proofed and all the porn is hidden away," Eli said to lighten his mood.

"Ha ha," Matt replied darkly, then sighed as he sat back in his chair. He rubbed his forehead tiredly.

"You planning on moving?" Eli asked, noting his reading material.

"I figured the least the kid deserves after everything he's been through is a backyard," explained Matt. "But finding a decent place close to work is proving to be a problem. Either it's a dump or so ridiculously overpriced that I'll be paying it off when I'm eighty."

"You'd sell your place though, right?"

"Fine, when I'm sixty then. So much for retiring at forty-five and living on a tropical island somewhere."

"Yeah, I can see you as a beach bum," Eli offered generously.

"Thanks." Matt let out a long sigh. "I never thought I'd be looking at property and weighing up if it's close enough to a park and in the best kid-friendly neighborhood, that's for sure."

"I take it having children wasn't top of your list?"

"Well, sure, maybe once I _had_ retired at forty-five and run off with a nubile heiress," Matt joked. His expression settled again into one of quiet fatigue. "Jessica and I had one of those pacts where if we hadn't found anyone by the time we were a certain age that we'd have a kid together. Or at least, she'd accept a donation and we'd raise it together. But then she saw some Madonna movie about a woman and her best friend doing something like that and she went off the idea."

"I've heard Madonna's acting can have that affect on people."

"Whatever, this wasn't the way I thought things would work out," said Matt. "What about you and Maggie? Is she pushing for impregnation? Stone?"

Matt tried to catch Eli's attention but he was focused on one of the house flyers. He picked it up slowly and stared wide-eyed at the picture of a run down Victorian home.

"You don't want that one," Matt advised. "I took a drive by yesterday and it's a complete mess. Talk about a fixer-upper."

Eli said nothing then looked over at him distractedly. "Huh?"

"The house, Stone. It's a dump."

"Do you want this? Can I hang onto it?"

"You can have it. Good luck to you," Matt said with a dismissive wave.

Eli wandered out after murmuring a thank-you. Matt just shook his head and went back to his own search for a new home.

0 0 0 0

A week later the firm's lawyers were all ensconced in the conference room in the staff meeting when Matt burst out of the elevator. He nearly knocked down a paralegal as he rushed forward, a bulging bag slung over each shoulder and Liam tucked under one arm. Lauren jumped up from her desk when she saw him, shaking her head.

"You're so late," she said unnecessarily, pulling her glasses from her face.

"No kidding," Matt puffed. "Have they started?"

"Twenty minutes ago."

"Shit." He screwed his face up, forgetting he wasn't supposed to swear in front of Liam. "Can you take him?"

Lauren hesitated before accepting him into her arms. "What's going on?"

"My nanny had a family emergency and daycare's full today," Matt explained over his shoulder as he slipped into his office to dump Liam's bags and pick up his notes. "He's been fed, diaper changed and there's juice in the blue bag."

He started down the hallway but Lauren was calling after him.

"What am I supposed to do with him? I don't know anything about kids."

"That makes two of us. Give him his toys, read him a book. Just entertain him until I get back, can't you?" Matt yelled back at her.

He ran the rest of the way to the conference room, cursing himself for being late again. It wasn't as if he made a habit out of it. Rosa, his nanny, was a God send and was at his doorstep at seven each morning she was working. It meant he could maintain a fairly consistent start time. But on the days Liam was now going to daycare, which were only two, meant Matt had drop off duty and that invariably led to chaos. Several times he had called Rosa in desperation to help out, but now her elderly father had taken ill and she was away for a week, maybe more. His sympathy for her situation quickly ran out when Liam spilled milk into his briefcase that morning and Matt had spent twenty minutes searching for clean clothes that fit the growing toddler.

To make matters worse, he had an important client meeting that afternoon and was supposed to be briefing the partners. He'd been up most of the night preparing contracts so it wasn't that he was unprepared, but he knew arriving late and flustered to the staff meeting wouldn't exactly instill confidence.

As it was, he arrived just in time to see the lawyers filing out of the conference room. He cursed under his breath and wiped the glistening sheen from his brow.

"Mr. Dowd," Jordan said as he and Martin Posner trailed out of the room.

"Yes, sir. I'm sorry I'm late. Family emergency," Matt replied, trying to mask the fact he was out of breath.

"I see." Jordan's tone was wary and Matt didn't give him an opportunity to be concerned about his work.

"The merger contracts for Ryder Inc. are done. I'm meeting with Mr. Ryder this afternoon and then they'll be couriered to McQuarry to sign off."

"I'm glad to hear it," said Jordan. "I don't need to remind you that Bob's next acquisition will make him the largest agricultural manufacturer in the country."

"I'm aware of that, sir," said Matt with due deference. Ryder had been his client for more than twelve months and, in addition to a healthy retainer, WPK had received a steady increase in billable hours during that period.

"Then you won't mind if Jordan and I join you for the signing meeting this afternoon," Posner interjected.

"Of course not."

"Good. If Bob's staying in town we can take him to the Club to celebrate."

"Er, that might be problematic for me," Matt admitted. "My nanny's not available."

"Mr. Ryder has the potential to grow into one of our most lucrative clients when his offshore acquisitions begin, Mr. Dowd. You can't find a sitter?" Posner asked incredulously.

Matt wore a frozen smile. "I'll do my best."

"Good."

Matt glanced briefly at Jordan who remained impassive and then he and Posner continued back to their offices. Matt let out a breath. He had been managing to keep up appearances quite well – he prided himself on the fact that his new domestic situation didn't interfere with his day to day work. But with every meeting he was late for, every client dinner he begged off, he knew that the partners were taking note. He needed a sitter.

Matt realized he hadn't seen Taylor leave the conference room and stopped by her office on his way back to his own, to discover she was already in court. He had never asked her to step in before and look after Liam, and she had spent little time with them so far. But the only other option he had was to ask Sally and Eva and Matt couldn't quite bring himself to do it. At least Taylor wouldn't judge him for choosing work over staying at home with the toddler.

He decided to worry about it later. He still had to prepare for his meeting and Liam would be underfoot all day unless he could convince Lauren to watch him. Everything seemed under control as he approached his office but when he opened the door the sound of Liam crying filled the room. Matt closed the door quickly behind him.

"What's wrong?" he asked Lauren as he crossed the room to pick Liam up. He stopped crying straight away.

"He started as soon as you left," Lauren replied. It was hard to miss the irritation in her voice. "He doesn't want his toys or his juice."

"It's okay, buddy," said Matt soothingly.

"Can I go back to work now?"

Matt nodded and handed her his briefcase. "Watch the milk. I updated the Ryder contracts so they just need to be copied and prepped for this afternoon."

"I'm on it, boss," Lauren said, eager to leave him to it.

Once she was gone and Liam was hiccoughing in the wake of his crying, Matt regarded him.

"This'll be okay." He collected Liam's juice from the table and this time the boy drank dutifully. "You can sit down here and I'll just be at my desk…"

When Matt set him down Liam started to whimper again. He'd been clingier in recent weeks, much more so than just after Jessica died, and Matt figured he was also missing Rosa now.

"Okay, maybe I'll sit over here with you. That should work. Kind of."

He collected his laptop and a few folders and set them up on the couch. Liam's blanket was laid out on the floor with a scattering of toys and he sat playing by Matt's feet. Within half an hour Matt was sitting on the floor with him, absently throwing him the occasional soft toy as he reviewed his case files. He even took to reading the amended Ryder contract out loud in an animated, storybook voice in the hopes it would distract Liam. At least he could review the document at the same time.

"Please tell me you have actual children's books at home and you don't just read from the Law Journal every night," said Taylor when she poked her head inside his office later that day.

Matt looked up at her with a sigh of immense relief that made her smile.

"Lauren said you wanted to see me?" she continued as she walked over to them. "Hi, Liam."

"Are you busy tonight?" Matt asked, bypassing the small talk.

"Why?"

"I need to go schmooze a client with Posner and your father and I don't think they'd really appreciate having Liam come along."

Taylor crossed her arms. "Where's the nanny?"

"Out of town. Do you think you'd be able to look after him?" He looked up at her hopefully. "Please?"

"Sure. I mean, I guess so." Taylor kneeled down on the floor next to Liam. "We'll be alright, won't we, Liam?"

The boy handed her his toy duck in response.

"See, he couldn't be happier. That's his favorite duck," said Matt. When Liam grinned at Taylor and started babbling random words, Matt smiled at her. "Thank you."

"Not a problem. We'll have fun." She didn't sound as sure of herself, but then again she'd never had to spend an evening alone with Liam.

Matt checked his watch. "I've got Ryder coming in half an hour, which will hopefully coincide with nap time."

"Read him some more contract law. He'll be sure to go right to sleep," Taylor suggested with a smile, tickling Liam and making him giggle.

"I'll see you later?"

"I'll be around."

Matt got up first and extended a hand to help her up, then pulled her into his arms. He kissed her, something he rarely did when they were at work, until she pushed him away.

"You really are desperate," she said with a laugh. "I already said I'd do it."

"I'm just saying thank you."

"Thank me later," she replied with meaning.

He smirked as she turned to go.

0 0 0 0

He managed to make it through his meeting and be back in his office before Liam woke up. Matt decided not to push his luck and told Lauren he'd work the rest of the afternoon from home. That evening he had Liam bathed, fed and ready for Taylor. He said a brief goodbye before having to go back into the office to meet the senior partners.

Their client had been in a celebratory mood and would have happily extended their signing dinner late into the evening, but Matt couldn't stop looking at his watch. He knew he should be concentrating more on the conversation– it wasn't often he had dinner with Jordan and Posner and he could have taken more advantage of the face time. In the end he knew he must have managed some semblance of a professional façade because both senior partners seemed happy when they finally got Ryder into a taxi outside the restaurant.

"I'm glad you were able to find a sitter at such short notice, Mr. Dowd," said Posner. "It's good to see you remembered what's at stake."

Matt glanced at Jordan, wondering if he knew who his sitter was. When there was no reaction he figured Taylor hadn't told her father. Matt decided to bid a hasty retreat while the going was good.

He arrived home to find Taylor asleep on the couch, snoring softly. Liam was fast sleep when Matt checked on him. As his fingers brushed Liam's forehead briefly Matt caught sight of Jessica's picture on the dresser and smiled to himself. He felt pulled in all directions most of the time but there was something incredibly peaceful in the sound of Liam's even breathing. Matt forgot about the tears and the beginnings of tantrums, all the mess and the fact he never had time to relax and do nothing. In that moment he felt like he was actually coping.

He went back into the living room. Matt didn't want to disturb Taylor but she did look uncomfortable on the couch. Crouching beside her he gently touched her arm.

"Hey."

She opened her eyes and shut them again, before blinking awake. "Hey."

"How did you go?"

Taylor stifled a yawn. "Fine. He was a bit upset after you left but I think I managed to distract him enough and keep him entertained."

"He wasn't too much trouble?" Matt asked quietly.

Taylor smiled and shook her head. "How was dinner?"

"Painful. Ryder got drunk and wanted us to take him to a strip club."

"I bet Dad would have loved that."

"He managed to deflect the suggestion."

Taylor stretched her legs and groaned as she moved her stiff neck.

"Why are you sleeping out here?" asked Matt with a small smile.

She sat up slowly and smoothed her hair down. "I didn't know if I was staying over," she admitted with a shrug. "Am I staying over?"

"And bear witness to the chaos that is my life in the morning? You're a brave woman."

"I could actually help, you know."

Matt grew silent and turned his eyes away. "You don't have to do that," he said eventually.

"I know I don't have to. But I'm offering."

"Why?"

Taylor frowned. "Why what?"

Matt got up and took a few steps away from her, his hands in his pockets.

"This isn't who we are," he explained. "You're not obligated. I can handle it."

"I didn't say you weren't," Taylor replied defensively.

"What I mean is, I don't need you to fix this. I'm working it out."

"Except when you need a sitter at short notice. Then it's okay to call on me?"

Matt was surprised at the annoyance in her voice. "I thought you said you didn't mind."

"I didn't." Taylor let out an angry breath. "But it feels like you're pushing me away except when it's convenient for you."

"That's not my intention," replied Matt with a heavy sigh of his own. "It's just, I have this DSS home inspection coming up and it feels like I'm just keeping my head above water at work. Between that and looking after Liam, I can't do anything else. And I thought that's what worked between us."

Taylor pressed her lips together and nodded but he could see she was still irritated. "That's fine, Matt."

She got up abruptly and slipped on her shoes. She said nothing more as she retrieved her handbag and briefcase of work she'd brought with her. Matt just watched her.

Taylor headed for the door and paused before she opened it. "You just let me know when I can be here for you," she said stiffly, then she was gone.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

The next morning, one of Liam's usual days at the daycare centre close by WPK, Matt arrived at work at a reasonable time. There was no staff meeting so he was able to slip into his office without drawing attention to the fact that almost every other associate had already been there for an hour.

But he barely had time to turn his computer on before Lauren called to tell him that Jordan wanted to see him in his office immediately. Matt couldn't remember the last time he'd been summoned like that and worried fleetingly if perhaps Taylor had said something to her father about the previous evening. He knew he could have handled things better with her, and certainly hadn't expected her to react the way she did. But he hoped Taylor had more discretion than to complain to Jordan about it. It had been something of an unspoken rule between all three of them that Matt and Taylor didn't acknowledge their relationship in front of Jordan.

He was kept waiting outside the managing partner's office for ten minutes until his assistant received a call from Jordan and told him he could go in. Matt tried to act normally but when he entered he found both Jordan and Martin Posner waiting for him. Neither looked happy.

"Mr. Dowd," Jordan said stonily. "Take a seat."

"Sir." Matt did as he was told.

"I've just received a disturbing call from Bob Ryder. McQuarry has rejected the acquisition contract."

Matt blinked, completely surprised. "What happened?"

"There appears to be a dispute about an exclusivity clause for overseas markets."

"No, sir, that clause was removed in an earlier draft of the contract. Mr. Ryder approved the change or he knew McQuarry would walk away. It was a stalemate."

"Then how do explain this?" Martin Posner tossed a copy of the thick document in front of him, opened at a tagged page.

Matt bent forward to look at it. A feeling of dread swept through him when he saw the words printed there.

"I don't understand, the clause was removed…"

"Clearly, it made its way back in," Posner said snidely. "Magic?"

"Or perhaps an issue with version control," Jordan commented darkly. "Either way, Mr. Ryder is understandably furious. The team at McQuarry have threatened to pull out of the deal completely."

"A 95 million dollar deal," Posner reminded him.

"I'll fix this, sir," Matt said confidently, although he felt anything but. He could just imagine the railing Jordan would have endured – he'd been on the receiving end of a Ryder rant during the months he'd been working on the detail of the acquisition.

"How this firm will respond to such a grievous error is _my _concern, Mr. Dowd," said Jordan. "What I want to know is how it happened. Did your assistant prepare the wrong contracts to sign?"

Matt straightened his shoulders. "No, sir. Lauren prepared the documents I told her to. The mistake is mine."

"I see," replied Jordan, his face revealing no emotion.

"How is it possible for a senior associate at this firm to make such a rookie mistake?" asked Posner. "Especially when this particular issue was so hotly argued among the parties."

"I don't know, sir. I'm sorry, it was an oversight."

"An oversight that may cost Mr. Ryder the deal and this firm a very valuable client! And you can ill afford to have your billings drop any further than they have, Mr. Dowd."

Matt gritted his teeth. Posner was only telling the truth but it burned.

Jordan cleared his throat. "Martin, perhaps you can call Bob and explain the error on our part and offer to provide the correct contract to McQuarry immediately. If necessary, we'll go there ourselves to smooth things over."

"If we can," Posner commented grimly. "McQuarry already thinks Ryder was out to destroy their company – this just adds insult to injury. If the deal doesn't go through he'll turn around and sue us before the dust settles."

"I'm sure your diplomacy and experience will prevent such an outcome," said Jordan smoothly.

Posner took the hint and left the room, though not before giving Matt another disappointed glare. Jordan, sitting iron-rod straight behind his desk, turned his gaze upon Matt once they were alone.

"Sir, please allow me to apologize," Matt started, but Jordan stopped him.

"I'm not interested in your apology, Mr. Dowd. This is an unfortunate event that should never have occurred. I expect better of you. My concern is it is symptomatic of a larger issue that must be addressed."

"It was a mistake…"

"Yes, it was. Something I have not witnessed from you since your days as a first-year associate. Your work has been impeccable and there are few others in this firm who can match your focus and drive. At least, until recently."

Matt closed his eyes and dropped his head briefly. "I know what you're going to say, sir…"

"And yet I will say it anyway," Jordan bit back sharply. He waited until Matt looked up at him again. "I am fully aware of your situation at home, and appreciate the fact that you have external commitments that require your attention. But you chose not to take the paternity leave offered to you, insisting that you can manage work and parenting. Clearly, Mr. Dowd, you cannot."

"This error is not reflective of my abilities, sir," replied Matt hotly. "I would have hoped I've proven my worth to this firm during the past nine years."

"I'm not referring to your value but rather your ability to maintain your caseload at present. As Mr. Posner pointed out, your performance has been slipping for some time."

Matt's eyes bulged. "My best friend was dying. I'm guardian to her son!"

"You are also a senior associate at Wethersby, Posner and Klein, with a portfolio of clients that requires your attention. If you are unable to provide that attention, Mr. Dowd, then we must contemplate the future."

"Are you firing me, Mr. Wethersby?"

Jordan's face was expressionless. "I'm saying we need to contemplate the future. We will discuss it once Mr. Posner and I have resolved the Ryder issue."

Matt just sat there, stunned.

"You may go, Mr. Dowd," he said finally.

0 0 0 0

Matt barely remembered how he got back to his office. He didn't even see Taylor when he passed her in the hallway. His angry glare focused on none of his colleagues, and he only just managed to keep his breathing even as he retreated behind his closed door. He wished for once the doors at WPK were not glass. He was tempted to throw something very heavy at the wall and it wouldn't do to have witnesses. Instead he paced the floor, furious at Jordan and Posner, indignant at the accusation of incompetence, and most of all devastated that he could have made such a mistake on a contract for such an important client.

Matt slumped onto his couch, his head in his hands, wondering how it could have happened. Somewhere between the office and home and working late into the night after Liam was asleep he had mixed up versions of a contract he'd spent weeks painstakingly preparing. Perhaps it had been lack of sleep or simply confusion while he tried to juggle work and all of Jessica's estate paperwork. Either way, Matt knew he had screwed up bigger than he had in his whole career.

He head jerked up at the sound of the knock on his door. Anger still burned in his eyes as he met Taylor's concerned stare.

"What happened?" she asked, ignoring the expression on his face which told her he clearly didn't want her there. "Posner's on the warpath over the Ryder deal."

"I fucked it up, that's what happened," Matt thundered, on his feet once more. "I took the biggest client I had and fucked up, and now I think your father is going to fire me."

Taylor gulped. "I doubt he'd do that."

"Why the hell not? I would if I were him. We're about to lose a multimillion dollar client who'll probably sue the firm for damages because I couldn't keep track of the right version of a contract. I'm only billing three-quarters what I was two years ago. I deserve to be fired."

"What did he say exactly?"

"That we need to 'contemplate the future'," said Matt in an exaggerated tone, complete with air quotes. "Which is shorthand for update your resume."

"My father's a reasonable man, Matt, I'm sure–"

"Well, unfortunately the rest of us mere mortals don't have the benefit of being related to the boss, so actually performance is pretty God damn important if you want to keep your job. I don't qualify for special treatment like you or Eli."

Taylor chose to ignore the nepotism dig, preferring to believe it was only said out of anger and he didn't mean it.

"You're still adjusting…"

"Great, and while I'm adjusting my career is going down the toilet," Matt shouted. "But hell, at least I'm finding time for 'Daddy and Me' classes and music jamborees and _Goodnight_ fucking _Moon_ every night."

"You don't need to yell."

"No, I don't. And you don't have to be here. Just leave me the hell alone, okay?"

Matt glowered at her until Taylor back down and walked swiftly from his office.

0 0 0 0

Matt remained holed up in his office for the rest of the morning. He instructed Lauren to cancel his appointments while he double checked the rest of his current cases for any similar errors. After farming out some extra work to some of the junior associates he waited out the afternoon, hoping to hear word about the Ryder matter. He made Lauren find out from Posner's assistant that they'd manage to placate McQuarry into signing the amended contract. And while Bob Ryder was still hot under the collar he had stopped talking about taking his business elsewhere for now, on the proviso there would be a significant refund of legal fees for the work Matt had done on the contract.

Neither Posner nor Jordan would take his call. Their assistants advised they were in meetings and couldn't be disturbed. Matt grew increasingly paranoid as he thought about what was going to happen. As soon as his desk clocked ticked over to 5.01PM he was out of his seat and heading home.

He regretted fighting with Taylor. There was no one he could talk to about his fear that he had sabotaged his career at WPK. He didn't want to worry his parents, and he could hardly call upon Eli or Keith or one of the other senior associates to vent his concerns to. Matt spent a miserable, sleepless night realizing that he'd managed to ruin his job, his relationship with Taylor, and potentially his suitability as guardian in the eyes of the DSS, all in one day.

The next morning he made a choice. For the first time in his working life, Matt took a personal day. It was a Friday and he had no court appearances scheduled. Lauren could reschedule client appointments. Matt was able to set an appointment to speak with Jordan late in the afternoon, and he spent the day deciding what he was going to say. More importantly, Matt realized, was that he had to decide what he wanted.

He dressed in a dark suit, looking perfectly groomed like he was going to court. Rosa was still away so he had to take Liam into the office with him, but there was nothing he could do about that. He walked out of the elevator carrying Liam, oblivious to the few curious faces that looked his way. The office rumor mill was still working to full effect. Matt's resolve was steely. Lauren didn't complain when Matt asked her to watch Liam while he met with Jordan.

"Be good. I won't be long," Matt said to the boy, planting a kiss on top of his head.

"Duck," said Liam and handed him his toy.

"That's pretty good advice," replied Matt. He suddenly smiled at his own joke and, inexplicably, felt better about his meeting. "Thanks, buddy."

"Good luck," Lauren said hesitantly.

"Everything will be fine," Matt assured her. He tossed her the duck.

0 0 0 0

Jordan was finishing a phone call when he waved Matt into his office. He indicated a chair but Matt stood waiting until the call was over before taking a seat.

"Thank you for seeing me, sir," said Matt.

Jordan rested his elbows on his desk and contemplated him. "Have you taken some time to consider what we discussed yesterday?"

"I have."

"And what would you like to say?"

"Regarding my future, sir? I'm sorry to say I think Eli is the only one who can predict what's going to happen. But I know this. I'm a good lawyer and an asset to this firm. I concede that my recent work hasn't been what it once was. But I am no longer in a position to put in the hours I did when I was coming up through the ranks. I practically lived here, and I always put this firm first.

"But now I have the responsibility of a child that has lost his mother. This firm cannot be my first concern anymore. But even though I can't guarantee there won't be times when I might be late if there's an emergency, or I'm not able to stay back after work, you need to know that this firm still has my commitment. _You_ still have my commitment.

"And I will work as hard as I can to regain your faith in me, sir. I'm learning how to be a father and I think I can actually do a good job at both if you'll just give me some time to work it out."

"Is that all?" Jordan asked after a long pause.

Matt's gaze did not falter. "Yes, sir."

Jordan sat back in his chair. "I must say I've heard better opening statements from you, Mr. Dowd. More thorough, more dispassionate."

Matt's stomach dropped, but he showed no emotion.

"But it's not often that I hear such sincerity in your words," Jordan went on. "There is also a place for that kind of lawyer in this firm. The kind that knows what's important and does whatever he can to safeguard that. I hope to see more of it."

"Sir, does that mean…"

"You still have your job, Mr. Dowd. I have no intention of firing you. Mistakes happen, and although this could have been a very costly exercise had it not been salvaged, I don't fire people for making mistakes. But the lessons you learn from such a misstep are to be remembered."

"Yes, sir." Matt felt a wave of relief.

"I hope that you continue to give your son the attention he needs. And aren't so pig-headed about asking for help if it's required."

"Sir?"

"I imagine there are people in your life you can call upon," said Jordan, a familiar tic twitching his cheek. "You should let them help if you need it."

Matt nodded dumbly. He wondered if Jordan knew he was referring to his own daughter, but judging from the slight grimace that followed Matt guessed he did.

"Thank you, sir." Matt got up and shook Jordan's hand across his desk. "I won't let you down."

"I don't doubt it," said Jordan, before turning his attention back to his work.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15 **

Matt felt a hundred pounds lighter as he walked back downstairs to collect Liam. He still had to work out a better way to juggle home and work life, but at least he still had the latter. He wasn't sure if Jordan making him sweat out the day before meeting with him was part of his strategy to get Matt to decide what he was going to do. But knowing Jordan Wethersby, he suspected everything was planned.

When he arrived at Lauren's desk she was on a phone call but Taylor was there talking to Liam who was sitting on top of the cubicle. Her briefcase and coat were by her feet so he guessed she was on her way out and had seen Liam, rather than her waiting around for Matt. It was nothing he didn't deserve, he thought derisively.

"Unca!" cried Liam happily when he saw Matt.

"Hey, buddy." Matt caught his hand and held onto it. He looked over at Taylor. "Hi."

He had expected her to still be angry at him after their argument, but to his surprise her face bore no animosity towards him.

"How did it go?" she asked evenly, as if he hadn't just come from a meeting that would decide his fate at WPK.

"It went just fine," he replied, feeling a little sheepish for everything he'd said to her the previous day.

"I'm glad."

"Do I have you to thank for that?"

"I didn't ask my father for any special favors, if that's what you mean," she replied cautiously. "I wouldn't do that… not unless you asked me to."

"Well, that's good to know. You never know what I'll manage to screw up in the future."

Taylor smiled briefly before turning her attention to Liam. "I'm glad I got to see you, Liam. But I have to go now, so bye-bye."

"Bye-bye," Liam repeated.

"Wait, where are you going?" Matt asked quickly.

"It's Friday night. I'm going home."

Matt nodded, suddenly feeling like he was asking her out for the first time. "Liam and I are going to the beach tomorrow."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Matt looked at Liam and shook his hand lightly. "D'you think maybe you'd want to come with us?"

Taylor looked at Liam too while she contemplated her answer. "I'd like that."

"Good." Matt smiled at her which made her cheeks flush. "We're leaving early so maybe it's better if you stayed over."

"I guess I could do that." Taylor kept her eyes trained on Liam so her broad smile was for him. "Do you want to go home, Liam?"

He held out his arms to her, and Taylor hesitated only slightly in surprise before scooping him up. She hugged him tightly for a moment before relaxing her arms. Matt just watched them for a moment, before picking up her briefcase and coat and retrieving Liam's toy bag from Lauren's desk. He gave his assistant, who was still on the phone, an assured thumbs up sign then waved goodnight. She sighed in relief and waved back.

Matt and Taylor walked slowly to the elevator, Liam content in Taylor's arms. They said nothing, neither of them wanting to disturb the moment. As they stepped inside the elevator, Taylor caught sight of her father watching them from a few feet away, where he stood conversing with one of the partners. She helped Liam press the basement button while Matt looked up and nodded at Jordan.

"Goodnight, sir," he said.

Jordan smiled as the elevator doors closed.

0 0 0 0

They didn't talk much that night. It had never been the strongest part of their relationship – that had always been physical. But when Matt fell asleep, his body spooned next to Taylor's, he felt more at peace than he had for years. He also slept more soundly than he had since long before Jessica died. Matt woke to find an empty pillow beside him. He rolled over slowly, opening one eye to look at his bedside clock to find it was not much past 7AM, and yet he felt refreshed like he had slept for days.

He heard Liam laughing from the kitchen before he saw them. His bare feet made no noise as he approached them, and he peered around the hallway to find Liam in his highchair eating Cheerios and banana while Taylor poured herself a mug of coffee from the freshly brewed pot. She was making funny faces at him to make him giggle.

"Hey, you two," Matt said.

"Good morning," Taylor said brightly. "Uncle Matt finally woke up!"

Liam grinned up at Matt when he ruffled his hair, and the boy selected a piece of mashed banana to feed him.

"Thanks, buddy," said Matt, eating the unappetizing morsel from Liam's fingers.

Taylor made a sympathetic face and handed him the coffee to wash down the taste. Matt took a sip and then sidled up to her.

"Good morning," he repeated in a low, enticing voice before he kissed her lazily. "You should have woken me up."

"You looked too peaceful. Plus you were snoring loud enough I figured you'd wake yourself up eventually."

"Please, you wore me out."

Taylor looked amused. "So it's my fault?"

"That's right." Matt started kissing her more passionately but after a few seconds Taylor turned her face away, looking pointedly at Liam. Matt followed her gaze. "He won't mind. Will you, buddy?"

"Maybe not, but let's not warp him too young."

Matt groaned slightly then leaned back to look at her. A slow, beatific smile spread across his face which caused Taylor to grin.

"What?"

"Thank you for making Liam breakfast," he said.

"You're welcome. Cheerios and banana are my specialty."

Matt kept staring at her, his gaze unwavering.

This time she laughed. "What?"

"Nothing, it's just… I love you."

Taylor looked slightly startled but she tried to cover it. "You love me? For cutting up a banana?"

"Yes, for cutting up a banana," he replied sarcastically, then his expression was sincere once more. "I love you."

"I love you too," Taylor said simply.

Matt took a step closer, then, without taking his eyes off her, he told Liam to look away. He kissed her deeply, folding her into his arms. Liam started giggling again.

"Wow," gulped Taylor when they broke apart.

Matt caught his breath. "Yeah."

"Okay."

"That was kind of a big moment, huh?" said Matt.

"Yeah."

"You okay?"

Taylor nodded weakly. "You?"

"Surprisingly, yes." Matt grinned again. He hadn't planned on saying it, but now he had he realized he should have told her months ago. "So, what now?"

Taylor looked distractedly around the kitchen. "Cheerios?"

It wasn't exactly what he had meant, but he knew they could work that out later.

"Only if I can have them with banana too," said Matt.

0 0 0 0

FIN (for now)


End file.
